Today is a sad day. I’m writing a column about Justin Bieber.
And thanks to the virtues of the Internet, this column is going to be digitized and found by legions of fans stricken with “Bieber fever.”
With any luck, that little girl crying on YouTube about how much she loves Bieber doesn’t read this — if she’s old enough to read.
I’m writing about Bieber because I came across what is possibly one of the funniest online news headlines.
“Justin Bieber wants fans to stop screaming,” it read.
I had to click.
I was, frankly, worried for the teen sensation. Maybe he suddenly developed a serious hearing problem, I thought. Or maybe he wants his fans to give a moment of silence to honor something or someone modestly important. This could be real news.
No such luck. Bieber’s just sick and tired of hysterical fans losing any shred of dignity around him. He can’t take it anymore. He’s fed up with them and just wants to have a normal life, apparently.
We’ve heard this episode of “Auto-Tune the News” before. Kid celebrities never know what they’re getting into.
“And don’t come up to me while I’m eating,” Bieber told his fans via Teen Vogue magazine. “How would you like it if I came into your house and started taking pictures of you while you were eating? I hate that.”
First off, I doubt fans — as loony as many may be — are breaking into Justin’s house and taking photos of him sipping juice at the breakfast table. He doesn’t live in Huntsville, Ala.
Bieber continues: “It’s still amazing to see people wearing my shirts, but I feel like I can’t get away from myself. Like, I go to Wal-Mart and I just want to go get some boxers and socks, but there are posters of me everywhere. Or my song comes on the radio, and it’s like, ‘Aah!’”
Okay, two more things. I’m skeptical Bieber shops at Wal-Mart. This is the same kid who unseated Lady Gaga for the title of having the most-viewed YouTube video of all time. The same kid who uses 3 percent of Twitter resources at any given moment, according to Gizmodo. He’s pals with Usher and Kanye — they wouldn’t allow bargain-bin shopping for their hip-hopper-in-training.
And Bieber doesn’t wear boxers. He’s definitely a “Wait till we get our Hanes on you” briefs kind of guy.
I’m not here to take shots at Bieber’s teen-pop songs or his remarkable ability to delay puberty indefinitely. But a celebrity complaining about fans is like a bad parent complaining about his or her kids. Either way, you made the mess. So deal with it.
But maybe Bieber has a point. Life must be tough when millions of girls want to get your face tattooed on their foreheads.
Some people have real problems to deal with.
This is why you were hit in the head by a flying water bottle while performing on stage, Justin.
Antoine Dodson of YouTube fame is fighting off some idiot from the projects and making sure people are hiding their kids, wives and husbands — but hold the phone, ‘cause Justin just can’t deal with his hormonal fans anymore.
Be thankful no one’s climbing in your window or snatching up your people, Bieber.
YouTube is consuming Dustin’s life. Help him break the cycle at firstname.lastname@example.org. Bieber fans, play nice.