Editorial: An open letter to seceding states

Dear states petitioning to secede from the United States of America following President Barack Obama’s re-election:

We realize statehood isn’t very mainstream anymore. We realize the 16th Amendment might get your knickers in a twist, but remember that TV mini-series “Blue and Gray”? The one about a devastating war that divided the nation in two, brother against brother, father against father, father against son? Well, that was real. The Emancipation Proclamation? That was real, too. Gettysburg? That happened.

Even Puerto Rico is building a list to petition for secession, trying to secede before secession was cool. Get over it, Puerto Rico — you’re a territory. This is an A and B conversation, so U can C yourself out. More than 2,000 residents in South Dakota have signed the petition. Only 15 more and that’ll be everyone. They’re only waiting for a few more cow signatures.

We know how upset you were when Obama was re-elected, but you must try to understand. We know it doesn’t seem like much, but coming up with a federal budget is taxing and coming up with a health care plan would make anyone sick (not sick enough to go to the emergency room, though — the prices are outrageous!) Let’s face it — how threatening will the army of Connecticut be? Will Wisconsin fight the war of terror with cheese curds? If Iran invades the Republic of Rogue Island, will it be a hopeless two-front war, or will all six of its citizens fight the good fight until the end? Face it, Florida: You need us. And Tennessee … well, we’ll respect whatever decision you make.

You don’t understand, Texas. We didn’t forget when at every roundhouse barbeque you demanded that we remember the Alamo, so don’t forget us now, sweet yellow rose. America needs her brisket, and bread is not bread unless it’s Texas toast.

Louisiana, please try to understand: What else will we hang obnoxiously from our doorknobs, if not purple Mardi Gras beads? And Michigan, remember all that bailout money. Now where will we film our post-apocalyptic movies and buy our Hondas?

A successful secession won’t benefit anyone, save for a select few. Your actions will lead down a slippery slope of superfluous country creation, in which cities will secede from states, towns will secede from cities and neighborhoods will abandon their towns. Do you really want to see us head down this downward spiral in a black hole of secession, New York? Whatever you decide, New Jersey, Alabama and the 10 other states we haven’t mentioned, know this: Secede, and we will invade you and put you back in the United States where you belong.

No one puts the red, white and blue in a corner and gets away with it.

 

For the pursuit of everyone’s happiness,

The State Press Editorial Board

 

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