On Nov. 15, I received an email from ASU about their new “Healthy or Else” policy with an attached video. So, I excitedly grabbed some popcorn and tuned in to find out how ASU is going to save me from myself. It was unbelievably informative! Thanks to the video I now know that
1. “More than” 5 percent of ASU students support the new outdoor smoking ban. That sure is a lot, almost as many as 6 percent.
2. Smokers are encouraged to “allow (themselves) some self-nurturing behavior.” This one was a little harder to puzzle out.
So I whipped out my “Dictionary of Condescending Prozac Speak” and discovered that it is whatever behavior I’m told is good for me. So, by doing what other people tell me, I’m actually nurturing myself as if I were a plant or shrub without any free will or personal responsibility. How liberating! The best part is that I don’t have to think or make decisions for myself. I can just shut up, do what I’m told and let other people who know better determine what’s good for me.
Thank you ASU for not only telling me what to do, but what to think. I have this strange feeling that I’ve just lost something important, but since it isn’t in the video, it couldn’t matter right?