If you only had a brain.
They say if you are not a Democrat when you are young, you have no heart, and if you are not a Republican when you are old, you have no brain.
Don’t bother asking who “they” is, it’s probably the propaganda department for “The Wizard of Oz.” Regardless, even adult Democrats know that you can only be young and idealistic for so long. At a certain point you are required to “grow up” and “face the facts.”
And growing up, my friends, leads me to the top 10 reasons to be a young Republican — David Letterman style.
10. You’re in good company: Mark Zuckerberg. Have you seen “The Social Network”? He’s a boss, literally. Not only is he best friends with Justin Timberlake, (let’s be honest, I’ve been fangirling over Timberlake since his N*SYNC days), but he got a perfect score on his SAT. He isn’t technically out of the closet with his Republicanism yet, but he’s hosting a political fundraiser for New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who is a Republican. I don’t believe in coincidences.
9. Money. And I don’t mean other people’s money. I get to buy myself a really cool Android phone instead of watching the guy in my history class buy the new iPhone with my money, along with a sweater from Urban Outfitters. I don’t consider buying an iPhone a necessity and neither should our welfare programs.
8. Gold-digging. Yeah, I said it. And this time I do mean other people’s money. I know there are all those loaded Democrat celebrities, but honestly, how likely are you to meet one of them? When I lived in Washington, D.C., there was a rally for President Barack Obama and who was in attendance? Poor college interns, burger-flippers and grocery-baggers.
7. The Elephant. Actually, it’s less about our mascot being an elephant and more about our mascot not being a literal ass.
6. Illegality remains. Some things are still illegal to us, like drugs, gay marriage and crossing the border where there is not a road. You may think life without these things is not worth living. I assure you it is.
5. We do things differently. I can’t even count how many times during the health care reform debates I was told, “We are the only developed country that doesn’t have socialized health care.” Yeah, and we are the only country that can get pizza delivered before an ambulance shows up. People should want to be like us.
4. We believe in fairy tales. You can become something from nothing. No government assistance necessary. They call that the American Dream.
3. We pick the BMW over the bandwagon. We’d rather ride past in our hard-earned Beamer than jump on the latest bandwagon. You might say we weren’t invited by the cool kids, but morals and ethics are cool. 50 Cent knows this, reportedly calling George W. Bush a “gangsta” a while back. We can roll with that.
2. Brain cells. I’m going to remember my schooling in a year. I went to class, and I wasn’t drunk or stoned. This may sound like a negative for you young partying Democrats, but some day you’ll need a job when you get off the dole.
1. Looks aren’t a thing. When people sing in Disney movies about wanting people to see who they really are inside, they are talking about Republicans. Don’t get me wrong we have some hotties — have you seen the Romney sons? — but we don’t vote for people because they are attractive. We vote for them because they are successful. We’ve got our priorities straight.
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