As a young, aspiring Authoritarian, I felt it my duty to inform the collective about why we, too, are awesome. Here are seven good reasons why you should believe in authoritarianism. If you disagree with us, then you must be in the Land of Oz!
7. The mascots are cute, but we prefer statues, cults of personalities and national mythologies more. After all, who doesn’t like having a big brother?
6. Money is a big deal, no question. That’s why the Master of M3, the Quixote of Quantitative Easing, the Prince of Printing, is none other than Ben Bernanke, chairman of the Federal Reserve Board of Governors. With a simple keystroke, this monetary magician can create untold billions in wealth for his A-list of BFFs. That’s the kind of concentrated power we can trust.
5. Thanks to our democratically elected Congress, we earned the approval of an outstanding 10 percent of you last year! Need we say more?
4. Authoritarians practically invented bipartisanship! If you’re a fan of compromise like we are, then you probably love when our friends from both sides of the aisle come together. It’s important that we settle our differences and propose bills benefiting everyone, like the PATRIOT Act, SOPA, PIPA and bailout packages for corporations. Republicans and Democrats can agree sometimes after all!
3. We also prefer telling other people how to behave in their personal lives and how to spend their money. Freedom is an overrated theory anyway.
2. Sometimes we miss the good old days. Just mentioning the Soviet Union, the Qin dynasty or imperial Rome makes us choke up with tears of nostalgia. Lowly peasants never had to worry about wasting their time on Facebook, iPhones or BMWs.
1. We have Hillary Rodham Clinton and Chris Christie. Enough said.
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