Saturday marked the the seventh anniversary of the Phoenix Idiotarod, a ridiculous bar crawl that encourages outlandishly dressed teams of five to run rampant through the streets of downtown with their decorated shopping carts, stopping at checkpoints (a.k.a. bars) along the way.
Why, you might ask? Because, alcohol and cosplay! What more reason do they need?
The race began in Margaret T. Hance park where, what I like to call, “the opening ceremonies” took place. Simply put, this means the teams gather before the race, drink the booze they brought from home, and try to sabotage every other teams’ carts.
Now because I am under 21, attending the “opening ceremonies” and following the teams to checkpoints on my bike was pretty much the extent of my involvement, but that’s all I needed to do in order to bring you . . .
Art of the Matter Presents: The 2013 Idiotarod Superlatives!
(This is where I tell you which teams were best at what. And let me just say, it was not easy to narrow down, but here it goes.)
1. Craftiest Saboteurs: Team F-ck Lowes (a.k.a. The Home Depot Team)
This team was pretty sly in their attempts at attack. On a couple of separate occasions, I saw one of the team members running around squirting extra-strength glue onto the wheel hinges of different teams’ carts. Though almost every team noticed the assault before the glue could do real damage, Team Home Depot succeeded in mildly inconveniencing the others who had to roll their carts back and forth until the glue dried in a way that wouldn’t affect the cart’s mobility. And for that, I salute you Team Home Depot.
2. Best Pun as a Team Name: Team Plight of the Concordia.
As a huge fan of “Flight of the Concords,” I especially appreciated this team name that poked a bit of (possibly distasteful) fun at the Italian cruise ship that slowly sank off the coast of Isola del Giglio.
3. Best Pun as a Costume Concept: Jew-Bacca
Jew-Bacca wore a hairy body suit under a tracksuit, and a Chewbacca mask/hat. He also sported a gold medallion complete with the Star of David.
4. Least Safe For Work: Team Magic Mike
This team sported ass-less chaps and lots of leather, but the best part was the stripper pole built into their cart. Well done Team Magic Mike, I’ll admit you’ve got some real . . . confidence.
5. Team Concept Closest to My Heart: Team Spittin’ Kittens (a.k.a. Team Crazy Cat Ladies)
This all-girl team was adorable. I didn’t notice them at first, but then our combined feminine and feline forces drew me in. I think their photo speaks for itself.
6. Best Method of Attack: Team Fat Tuesdays
Most of the teams, as I said before, had methods they used to sabotage the other teams, such as water balloons full of various liquids, Jell-O, rice, etc. This team, however, attacked more humanely by throwing chocolate gold coins. Cheers to you Team Fat Tuesdays for not only brightening everyone’s day by hitting them in the head with chocolate, but also for aptly celebrating your theme.
7. Best Rivalry: The Dueling Star Wars Teams
A Star Wars team is to be expected, but two?! This calls for a . . . star war. (I know, I know. I just couldn’t help myself, again.)
8. Most Likely to Resemble Naked Mole Rats in Sombreros: Team Grumpy Cat Fever (a.k.a. That Other Team in Sombreros)
I can’t be the only one that thought this upon first seeing this team, right?
9. Hands-Down Best Cart: The team whose name I didn’t catch because I was too busy admiring their cart and possibly trying to eat their chips. (a.k.a. Team Sombrero Cart)
This team (OF GENIUSES) turned their cart into a full on party. First of all, they were wearing awesome sombreros and ponchos. Second, their cart was decorated with ponchos and was basically a big chip-and-dip. Also, they were handing out burritos. I can’t even . . . I just can’t.
10. All-Around-Awesome: Team South Park
“Too bad drinking scotch isn’t a paying job or [this team] would be millionaires!”- Cartman
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