My idea of a horror movie consists of a post apocalyptic world where Jeffrey Campbell and Chipotle have ceased to exist. But hey, blood, guts and hatchets are a close second. Afraid of the pulse-quickening thrill we call a scary movie? Follow these eight simple tips and you’ll make it out alive.
Popping a Tylenol pm will lower your heart rate and make you slightly calmer for the movie. Get cozy; hop in your favorite movie-watching gear – whether that be a Barney Stinson inspired suit or long johns – looking your best equals feeling your best.
Caution: The Tylenol might make you sleepy. If you do end up falling asleep, all the better. Crisis averted!
Safety first ladies and gentleman. Remove all knives, sharp and or breakable objects and glass items from the immediate viewing area. Next, create an exit strategy just in case one of your friends happens to become possessed over the course of the movie. Parkour videos are an easy way to prepare for an awkward exorcist situation.
Side note: Straight jackets make great party favors.
Feeling in control of the situation may help relieve some of the stress of the movie. Knowing you can turn it off at any moment will help you get through the terror. If your brain is too smart for psychological manipulation, use the remote for volume control, muting it at moments of extreme fear. Sing a song or insert your own dialogue during these moments of silence. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward.
EXHIBIT EXTREME CAUTION!
Do not choose zombie shaped treats or anything relating to dead people. This includes but is not limited to:
- Cheetos. According to my mother they are shaped like zombies. Just add arms.
- Sour Patch Kids are a no-no. You are ingesting a small sour child.
- Junior Mints. Icy cold breath and a drop in room temperature means Ghosts. Too much “Sixth Sense.”
- Hot chocolate. In case you spill.
- Grapes. Peel off the top layer and you are one step away from eating an eyeball.
GO FOR WHAT FEELS COMFORTING. My roommate suggested toast.
Find what works for you.
Get those endorphins flowing and surround yourself with good bone structure. Surrounding yourself in a bubble of beauty will keep you cool when things get ugly on screen. Don’t be afraid to periodically check out your fellow movie-watchers. They’ll be so engrossed in the film they won’t even notice. Just don’t watch with a potential love interest, which would increase heart rate. Counterproductive. All you need is a bit of eye candy; somewhere to look when the blood and guts come out. Pick your people wisely.
Horror movies do you a favor: they alert you when a scary moment is coming.
The classic example: “Jaws.” We all know the theme song. Scary movies are generous, they like telling you when something is about to happen, they just don’t want you to know what it is. So mentally prepare yourself for what’s about to happen.
Example: (Music increases in tempo and pitch) The girl who was told to stay in the car gets out of the car.
Answer: She’s one chainsaw away from disaster.
Knowledge is power. Stay in the know.
A weak bladder is a blessing during a scary movie. Get up and pee for heavens sake. Scary movies run on a seven-minute cycle. Studies show we handle terrifying best when thrill and calm alternate. Time your bathroom breaks to hit at the bloodcurdling moments and stay for the more relaxed. Maybe even watch the part of the movie that has a plot.
No one will know the difference.
Read Roger Ebert’s reviews on horror movies; he’ll get you up to speed.
Or use these simple fill-in-the-blanks:
“Man, I was so freaked when the (insert zombie, man carrying hatchet, ghost, midget pretending to be a little girl) appeared out of nowhere and attacked (insert main character)!
A more generic line: “The jump shot in the beginning was so sick!” Because let’s face it, there’s always a jump shot, and who is going to disagree with you?