How to: Be a D-bag in the Walk-Only Zones

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They’re everywhere.

It started with a few yellow-shirted ASU employees telling you to walk those wheels. Now the pseudo-fascist walk-only zones tell students how they should move from point A to point B. They are spreading even more around campus like fascism in the ‘30s.

ASU’s walk-only zones began in Phase One, restricting areas around the Memorial Union and in front of Hayden Library. Now the school is in its second phase of stifling quick transportation around campus and taking away that nice college vibe. This second phase will bring the infamous walk-only zones to cover Palm Walk and Tyler Mall.

Just how did these walk-only zones come about? Well, it was certainly because cyclists are a complete and total menace to society and ASU needs to curb their insurgency.

The rules are there to make it safe for walkers. They are for those who constantly text and tweet as they cross campus with over 80,000 peers. The idea of making specific lanes for biking and walking seems to have been missed.

No, there’s too much logic and thought behind that notion. So here is the penultimate guide to be another sheep in the crowd and further stifle our ability to get through campus vis-à-vis wheels.

Look at your phone at all times

I’m sure that message is very important. Also I’m sure the instant message telling you to wear that specific shirt or top to the party is also very important. It’s so important in fact that you don’t need to look around at your surroundings. So walk aimlessly. Walk freely as though you own the entire world. You and your iPhone are the only two things walking from chemistry to math. There isn’t anyone out there at one of the most packed colleges in the world trying to get to class. So walk and whenever someone bumps into you it’s their fault that they diverted your eyes from Steve Jobs’ greatest gift to man. Obviously the other person is wrong. Like you “can’t even rn” because they made you lose your place while you read that horribly long 140-character tweet. It’s just too much. We’ll all have to meet at Dutch Bros. to cope with this.

Walk on the left side of the walkways

In a country where you always drive on the right side of the road people generally walk on the right side of the sidewalk as well. This is to keep from bumping head on into cars or, in this case, your fellow peers. Throw that idea out of the window. Always walk against the crowd and make people get out of your way because they’re just another sheep in the crowd and you’re a unique special snowflake. Make life more difficult. Keep on trucking on the left side of the sidewalk instead of the right and maybe people will be able to see that yes, the side walk is greener on the other side. And bumping into people left and right is just a price you’ll have to pay.

Walk slow

It’s only a balmy 102 degrees in Tempe today, so why not enjoy it? When you’re out and about during the day be sure to take your time. Everyone is running around and walking as fast as they can all the way across campus because they can’t ride their bikes anywhere anymore — they’re just too uptight. You’re chill, you’re easygoing and if that know-it-all professor tells you that you’re late, well, you can go on right ahead and tell him you pay his bills. Walk slow and throw caution to the wind. Remember what they say about the tortoise and the hare: Slow and steady makes you tardy. And who really cares about that?

Lock arms with your significant other

In keeping with the slow motif make sure to be with your significant other during that free time in between classes. While the two of you dawdle to class be sure to hold each other’s hands and take up as much of the sidewalk as you can. Anyone that gets annoyed is obviously annoyed at the love you two share. It’s not that they’re trying to get someplace. It’s not that at all. They’re just jealous. So to spite the haters of love be sure to make a mobile blockade (a term being used loosely because in order to remain in love you must always walk at a pace slower than a snail’s). Block the hate by blocking the sidewalk. They’re basically the same thing.

Now here we are, because of a large group of students that religiously follow these intelligent rules, our school is being taken over by gold shirts. Remember what George Orwell said, “If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face- forever.” Only in this case the wearer of that boot is Sparky.

Reach the writer at jamillar@asu.edu or via Twitter @jesse_millard.