The stars and tea leaves are back with new potentially correct interpretations of how your week has been unfolding and where it’s headed. Again, the reporter does not claim legal liability for the accuracy of his interpretations — only that the songs are good.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Song: “Why Won’t You Make up Your Mind?” by Tame Impala
You’ve been perched on the fence as of late, Aries, and it’s time to come down of your own volition before someone shoves you off. Indecision can lend itself to brain freezes and unreasonable amounts of anxiety (just talk to any of your Gemini friends — they spend most of their life indecisively arguing inside their own head), and while taking the time to think through your options is, like, practical advice, you can’t hover forever.
The stars don’t necessarily say which side of the fence is going to be the most comfortable long term (isn’t that helpful), but if you’ve been keeping a potential romantic interest on ice or you’ve been stuck in a lukewarm friendship, either pack your bags or commit to hanging around for awhile. The only way you’ll ever learn what you really want is to try things out — as opposed to just thinking about the pros and cons of each choice ad infinitum.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Song: “Live It Up” by Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti
Isn’t it great when the stars suggest that you take a little time to be hedonistic? Well, dear Taurus, that’s just what they’re saying for you this weekend. Use this spark to your advantage — there could be a new romantic interest hiding somewhere just on the periphery of your normal social group. Just go talk to them, geezus. No amount of staring is going to make them come talk to you. For those of you that are already in relationships, use this unexpected social momentum to do something exciting. Crafting an “original” plan won’t be too much stress for you, either, because there will be an equally unexpected burst of fire/sunshine/fireworks/energy/whatever in your house of creativity, too. So get crafting! (Or whatever floats your artistic boat, you little social, creative butterfly, you).
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Song: “On Board” by Friendly Fires
A Gemini is in their native element when they’re either (1) internally debating the merits and drawbacks of an idea/course of action with no end in site or (2) onboard and passionate for a project. Rest easy, Gemini, this is a week were indecision doth not reign supreme. Use this break in the clouds to throw yourself head first into the project/idea/new relationship that’s won you over. You’ve got the gift of wit and words on your side, so use that to your advantage when bringing others on board. But, hey, as a side note: keep an eye on your health this week. If you’re feeling under the weather, don’t just consult WebMD (when did that ever tell you that you have anything other than cancer?).
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Song: “New Loved Ones” by Toro Y Moi
This week (and the month in general) is the time to really burrow into the more intimate relationships you have with those around you. The stars refer specifically to “family,” but for your humble guide, that can be loosely interpreted to include your close friends, too. Take the time to really be present with those that you care about (note: sitting around in a silent room while everyone is mindlessly scrolling through Instagram is not “hanging out”). Furthermore, you’ll unlock the achievement coin of Increased Communication Skills starting this week, so it’ll be easier to legitimately express what’s on your mind — as opposed to just, like, you know, circling around the idea.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Song: “I Can Talk” by Two Door Cinema Club
You tend to have a lot of opinions stored up in the caverns of your thoughts, and this is the week when censorship just really isn’t going to be your thing. You’ll have the urge to chat up an endless storm — and potentially say a little bit more than you should — all week long. You’re normally a great talker, though, so as long as you make sure to strike a savvy balance between monologues and dialogues, people will be drawn to you like Mr. Clean to a scuffmark. This urge to say what’s on your mind will roll over into your romantic pursuits as well. You might want to drop the games and be, as they say, “straight” with whoever you have your eye on/are currently entangled with. But not to worry, honesty (when presented from the heart), can be a good thing for strengthening bonds.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Song: “Material Girl” by Madonna
Hey, happy birthday (if your birthday is this week). The stars are throwing out words and phrases like “austerity” and “embark upon projects with a budget in mind,” but don’t let that drag you down too much as you celebrate. You’ll be getting gifts (hopefully), but be cautious of shiny things that have no meaning. When adding new things into your life (be it a relationship, a smart watch, a T-shirt from Mom that you’ll never wear or a bookshelf), make sure it means something to you. It can be way too easy to get caught in the material world when (1) you’re getting nice things for just being alive and (2) three clicks on the computer can buy you anything. It’s better to have fewer, nicer things than to hoard things you bought and/or kept on an impulse.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Song: “In A Feeling Like This” by Blouse
There’s a slight (say, 85 percent) chance that you’re feeling a little “off” this week. You might not be able to quite put your finger on “why” for a few days, but don’t you worry! Come Friday, Venus will wander on over to Virgo and your twelfth house of fantasy until Sept. 29, so you’ll don a nice pair of rose-colored glasses. This could potentially impair your judgment of “objective reality,” but who says “objective reality” is a thing, anyway? It’s not like you’re going to go blind the real world, or anything. You’ll just see things differently. To use the stars’ gift of these rad rose-colored glasses to your advantage, learn what you can from this new perspective — but watch out for bright red flags to make sure you don’t wind up wandering down any scary alleyways (figuratively, you know).
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Song: “It All Feels Right” by Washed Out
The stars have such good news for you this week it’s almost boring. Things are just going to feel right this week. All signs are pointing in the direction of your love life either (1) materializing or (2) taking a turn for the better. You may even (gasp!) want to make a commitment (you take these very seriously), but take some time to think things through. Come Friday, your eleventh house will be bumping with good social vibes. You may either (1) finally find “your crowd” or (2) feel at home again in a group to which you’ve recently felt a little averse.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Song: “Tomorrow Has To Wait” by Peter, Bjorn & John
A lot of signs are flapping their social butterfly wings this week, and you’re no exception. This is the time to socialize with new folks and network so you can more easily achieve your goals. “You’re almost there with much at stake. But now the ground begins to quake,” might seem like an appropriate clue to the state of your life (“Jumanji” is surprisingly applicable to everyday life). There is change in the air and the ground, and it’s OK to rely on others while you pass through a brief disruption to the normal order of things. You may want things to stay the same, for today to hang around for awhile, but you can’t really halt time (others have tried).
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Song: “Hold Still” by Grizzly Bear
You tend to be rather business-orientated individual, you know? Maximizing value might be a mantra you chant to yourself in the morning while you brush your teeth, and that’s usually and fine and dandy; however, this week, you really need to take some time to focus on your internal mental life. How can you be hyper-efficient in other aspects of your life when you neglect the person who is doing all the work? (Hint: this person is you). Hold still for just a second and have a conversation with yourself (it’s not weird to talk to yourself, the stars promise) about what you’ve been up, how you’ve been and where you want to go.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Song: “Gun-Shy” by Grizzly Bear
“Lay low” should be your mantra for the week. If you have a job and/or a group of friends who act like they’re on “Gossip Girl,” the stars strongly recommend that you just don’t get involved. Now’s just not the week to vie for dominance, as any plans just might backfire, heads will roll, and people will be just plain bummed. Take a bubble bath instead of pulling the trigger on your plan to rule the world/your friend group.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Song: “The End” by Best Coast
A sense of an ending may be floating around for you Pisces (hey, it was just Labor Day, so summer is, you know, “over” even though it will stay 100 degrees outside till December), but with an end always comes a new beginning. An old way of thinking may have become irrelevant to you due to an epiphany/experience/etc., and this might be causing a bit of anxiety, but don’t you worry, you’ll be OK. These shifts in perception are part of a healthy evolution of self — even when it may seem like a bummer at first. Just give it some time.
Reach the reporter at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow him on Twitter @zachariahkaylar.