Back to reality

Published On:
Monday, August 25, 2008
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Like the majestic, picturesque billows of the monsoon clouds that consume the entirety of the eastern sky’s girth over the ever-extending reaches of the Valley in the late afternoon of early autumn months, the newborn semester rolls in, consuming our eager minds with the most stimulating and fresh knowledge we have hungered for, yet prompting mind-bending academic challenges to overcome and maintaining a clandestine nature as we await the revealing of this fall session’s unique twists and turns. And …

Nope.

This is The State Press. This paper has always been all about solid information, solid journalism and, of course, solid fun. This semester will be no different.

So, let’s pick up where we left off in the spring and fill you in. Here’s what you may have missed this summer:

- Something involving the words “gas,” “rising cost,” and “screw our lives.”

- Presumably, The State Press.

- SI.com naming our athletics department No. 1 in the country, which is cool even if SI.com is only, at best, a marginally viable player in the field of sports Web sites.

- The debut of the new Memorial Union. Its thrilling new catchphrase: The MU — more stairs, more doors, more obstacles for evacuation-frenzy-related fun!

- The nothing less than miserable economy. But have no fear, we have a solution for this nation’s economic woes: Clone our nation’s greatest resource, Michael Phelps, and throw all the new Phelpses in the national reserves. At worst, we’ll double our weight in gold.

- Not sweating.

- A man who ate 60-something hot dogs in 10 minutes on the Fourth of July, while his competitors combined for another couple of hundred.

- For some reason, people outside America continue disliking us, citing crazy reasons such as gluttony.

- Underaged girls being all the rage. Miley Cyrus, the toddlers on the Chinese gymnastics team and — let’s be honest — the Jonas Brothers made us long for the days when Michael Jackson made underaged boys all the rage.

- ASU softball winning its first national title, rolling right through the competition. Meanwhile, ASU baseball rolled right through itself.

- Parking and books getting considerably cheaper.

- In related news, the local forecast today is 75 degrees with a light, cool ocean breeze.