Dearest reader,

The way we see it, we’re close, but we’re not that close.

To us, you’re that friend for whom we tidy up our room — the friend we love to impress and hate to disappoint. That’s why we try to keep the behind-the-scenes stuff precisely where it belongs (Hint: It’s not in front of the scenes).

But today, we are going to try taking this relationship to the next level: We’re going to leave a piece of our dirty laundry out for all to see.

Our one particular sullied article of clothing that just didn’t quite make it into the hamper today is the all-too-concerning fact that when we get mail, it’s far from being the variety we like (aka letters to the editor).

Indeed, this semester we have seen a major influx of junk in our inbox. And when we say “junk,” we mean it — after all, we work in a mosquito-infested, sunlight-deprived basement filled primarily with useless trash.

So, if you find yourself wondering just what happens behind our scenes (or rather, behind our wall of mosquitoes), perhaps a peek at our mail pile would satiate your curiosity:

• Letters from inmates with life sentences. From the state of Washington. Asking for pen pals.

• 3-D glasses. Fortunately, those will come in handy during the testing period when our newspaper one day, in an effort to survive, switches from basic newsprint to 3-D newsprint.

• A magnetic “Top 13” board from “American Idol” that is meant to help us keep track of the show’s remaining contestants. Please, as if we didn’t already have that knowledge on lockdown.

• A bizarre packet titled “The English Language Code or The Anagrams of God.” The odd collection of words and phrases are selectively nitpicked apart to make strange political statements (for example, the listed anagram for “George Bush” is “he bugs Gore”).

• A package containing assorted candy treats from Fox hawking their new show “The Osbournes Reloaded.” The bad part? The tray of candy in the package was held together by a greatly reassuring adhesive material called Scotch tape. The good part? At least it was sent with a consistent source of great amusement: packing peanuts.

• A “24”-promoting Jack Bauer action figure. In case you were wondering, yes, the All-American action figure has presumably saved our newsroom from foreign horrors on numerous occasions.

• A complaint letter about sexually inappropriate cheers ASU students use against UA from someone claiming to be Wilbur Wildcar — that’s right, Wildcar. We have a feeling he or she meant to type “Wildcat,” but then again, the sender is probably from Tucson.

• Numerous other promotional items, including a T-shirt from the folks at “House,” a set of cheap cardboard coasters publicizing “Monsters vs. Aliens,” a mobile from “Coraline,” and an inexplicably clear duffel bag that is somehow meant to convince us to either watch or write about “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.”

So, by all means, send us a letter to the editor. And if possible, send another action figure that will give Agent Bauer some competition — he’s sick of having nothing to do but clean up our messes.