One lonely Thursday night last semester, I took myself out on a date to Pitchforks. I put on my favorite sweatshirt and texted an old friend while I enjoyed a delicious smorgasbord of french fries, cinnamon toast crunch and lasagna.

I couldn’t help but notice the eyes that were being made at me from a table away, and as soon as I flipped my phone shut, those eyes did not disappoint as their owner sidled up next to me.

“So, who’s the guy?” Creepy Pitchforks Man asked me, as he will be hereafter referred to. I was offended.

“Why does it have to be a boy?” I retorted (even though it was).
And then Creepy Pitchforks Man, shrugging as he bit into an M&M’s cookie, made a remark that I have been unable to forget ever since, “Oh please. Textual relations are for shameless flirting.”

I rolled my eyes at first, but as I scrolled through my sent folder in the dish return I realized he might be on to something.

Walking through campus, how many of the people we pass have a cell phone in hand?

Who among them is really having a heart-to-heart with a good friend?
Phone calls are for friendships, but texting — easy, anonymous, safe — is perfect for flirting.

Of these texters, how many are in relationships and are flirting with someone of the opposite sex without consciously realizing it? Saying things that, if talking to this person face-to-face, they probably wouldn’t have the chutzpah to say.

Texting eliminates the discomfort that comes with gauging facial response and body language, and one can always deny the intent of a message if it is not received well.

So if Creepy Pitchforks Man is right, and I think that he might be, textual relations provide a new avenue for an old dangerous game: emotional cheating.

Psychiatrist and Today Show correspondent Dr. Gail Saltz said emotional cheating characterizes “relationships that involve considerable emotional intimacy,” and they can be “just as damaging as the real thing.”

With the ease of communication technology, such as text messaging, it has become a lot easier to get ensnared in the web of emotional cheating. How can it be cheating if there is no touching? No dating?

It’s easy to rationalize, especially if there is trouble in paradise.

If there is an emotional disconnect in a relationship, the easiest solution is to seek that emotional connection elsewhere.

Textual relations provide the perfect answer.

We can, finally, have our cake and eat it too. We will never again have to confront awkward emotions or painful breakups if we can find what we’re missing in someone else.

Since my stern lecture from Creepy Pitchforks Man on a lonely Thursday at the MU, I’ve really changed the way I look at textual relations and the emotional cheating it facilitates.

Your boyfriend’s gross cologne shouldn’t prompt you to text the cute boy from biology. Instead, you should talk to your boyfriend yourself.

In the end, you’ll end up with a much better smelling relationship.

Kristen is going cell-less for a while. Email her instead at kckelle2@asu.edu.