Levi, leave our eyes

Published On:
Friday, October 9, 2009
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Reflecting on the week that has gone by can be a healthy, cleansing process. It can soothe the soul and relax the brain. It can open your eyes to the good and help you move past the bad.

Or, it can look like this:

• Politicians continue to miss the point in the health care reform debate. Everyone agrees that reform is needed, but nobody in Congress is brave enough to bring the real issue to the forefront: Their mistresses need to be covered and they need to be covered now. This madness has gone on far too long.

• Noooo! Terrible news from the Twitterverse: Miley Cyrus deleted her Twitter page, posting a message indicating that her rumored love interest, Australian actor Liam Hemsworth, wanted her to get off the social networking site. The only thing that could make the news any worse is if Hannah Montana decided to delete her Twitter, too.

• WHAT?! I’ve just been informed Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana are in fact the same person. Honestly, I never saw that one coming. I’m completely flabbergasted.

• NASA is going to blow up the moon today. Really, they are. And it’s about time, too — I outgrew nightlights years ago and that big ol’ thing is one that just won’t turn off. Finally, it’s in the crosshairs. Goodnight, moon.

• Well, maybe I was misinformed. Two U.S. spacecraft are in fact being sent to crash into the moon’s surface today, but only in an attempt to kick up enough dust to determine whether there is water in the moon’s soil. So, sadly, the moon will still be there, bright and clear. Thanks a lot, NASA. Way to support werewolf-ism.

• Down in Tucson, the arrest of two UA students caused a lot of hubbub. This week, according to reports from the Arizona Daily Wildcat, the Dean of Students announced they would no longer pursue the crime and, at UA President Robert Shelton’s insistence, the UAPD dropped criminal charges. The crime? Chalking on UA property. With sidewalk chalk. The officials’ change of heart, one must assume, came after discovering a numinous magical-chalk-cleaning, hydrogen-and-oxygen-containing chemical substance called “water.” Of course, all of this ultimately begs the question: When the hell did Tucson get water?

• Jon Gosselin. Jon Gosselin. Jon Gosselin. There, I said his name. I’m officially part of the media now!

• Now, to take it one step further: Kate Gosselin. Kate Gosselin. Kate Gosselin. Just like that, I’m a god of media.

• In sad news, American obesity found a new enemy as a 1,500-calorie creation — a bacon cheeseburger with a buttered, grilled and glazed donut as the bun — got national attention after its staggering 1,000-sold-per-day popularity at a Massachusetts fair. In sadder news, just by reading that last sentence, you increased your odds of having a heart attack by 200 percent. Sorry.

• Levi Johnston continues to stick his … business … where it doesn’t belong. First, he got together with Bristol Palin in a biblical sense. Now, the Associated Press reports, Johnston will pose nude for Playgirl. Ironically, when Johnston’s Johnson hits newsstands, everyone will also be begging the question they asked last time: Dear God, where’s the protection?

Warn the man on the moon at bberkley@asu.edu.