The Stale Mess: Incoming freshman worried he might be an incel

'Could I get laid even if I tried?' the soon-to-be engineering freshman asked himself

Incoming engineering freshman Michael realized Thursday during a summer tour of the Tempe campus that he might, in fact, be an involuntary celibate, called 'incel' for short.

This epiphany came on the heels of Michael looking around and seeing the sheer volume of girls walking around campus who are just totally out of his league. 

“I mean I’m a real piece of work, now that I think about it,” the avid gamer and frequenter of the Reddit page r/dankmemes harshly told himself. “And look at all these beautiful women. Why would any of them ever want to date me when they have all these dumb Chads to choose from?”

Michael reported to The Stale Mess that he then had to check himself after referring to traditionally attractive college males as ‘Chads,’ the derogatory term used by incel communities online. 

“Wait, did I just refer to that group of guys over there as ‘Chads’ in my own inner dialogue?” Michael said. “Oh no! That’s exactly what an incel would call them!”

Eyewitness reports confirmed that the group of guys in question totally saw Michael eyeing them weirdly, and they probably thought he was gay or something like that. 

“Wow, I should stop staring at them. They probably think I’m gay or something like that,” his inner self-hating homophobe aptly pointed out. “I mean I’d rather be an incel than gay, that’s for sure.” 

When Michael’s parents were asked about his realization, they said nothing seemed different about him on the tour. 

“No, I wouldn’t say he looked like he had any big moment,” Michael’s sun lotion-covered, out-of-touch father said. “Just the same old apathetic, lifeless guy he’s been ever since he got into those video games.” 

At press time, Michael was venting his frustration in the safety of his suburban Glendale home by “completely demolishing the plebs” on the popular shooter game Fortnite.

“I should really stop playing these games,” his misplaced sense of discipline faintly hinted. “Girls totally hate guys who play video games.” 

The Stale Mess was unable to confirm by the time of this writing whether it was the video games or the clusterfuck of insecurities and low self-esteem that have been the main deterrent for women. But one thing is for certain: Michael will not be in a romantic relationship anytime soon. 

Editor’s note: The opinions presented in this column are the author’s and do not imply any endorsement from The State Press or its editors.


Reach the columnist at parker.shea@asu.edu or follow @laconicshamanic on Twitter.

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