Chicken Soup for the Soul series creators Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen were forced to cancel production on their latest work, Chicken Soup for the ASU Parking and Transit Service Worker's Soul, on Wednesday, when scientists discovered that PTS workers do not, in fact, possess souls.
"We are deeply dismayed with the recent findings," said a statement from Chicken Soup Enterprises, Inc. "We spared no cost to piece together a collection of works so inspirational that even ASU Parking and Transit employees could read them and feel good about themselves. But it turns out they just don't have souls. Apparently, this dream of ours, one of love and warmth, tender loving care, and even more love and warmth just flew too close to the sun on its way to Super-Duper Happy Land."
PTS officials at first denied the claim but later succumbed, citing the evidence as irrefutable.
"As much as we'd like to deny it, we really can't," said Shrew McScrewjob, one of PTS's head henchmen. "We figured that instead of trying to create a bunch of good PR for the department, which probably wouldn't be taken seriously anyway, we could better spend our time by scouring the campus for opportunities to write erroneous parking tickets."
Though PTS has long been suspected of being little more than an unruly band of angst-ridden cretins, a team of local scientists was able to prove, relatively easily, that PTS workers are actually an unruly band of soulless angst-ridden cretins.
"It only took about 20 minutes or so of lab tests," said research team leader, Irwinbon Steinensteim. "This was sort of like proving that there are 180 degrees in a triangle. Anyone with two eyes knows it's true, but it's nice to have some scientific evidence to back it up."
Steinensteim said the tests centered on asking individuals a simple question and then using their responses to gauge whether or not they possessed a soul.
"The question we asked," Steinensteim said, "was, 'Do you work for ASU Parking and Transit Services?' Anyone who answered yes obviously did not possess the basic spiritual nature of an average human being."
A slightly remorseful McScrewjob added, "This really shouldn't come as a shock to anyone. Lots of people who work here will say things like, 'Well, I need the money,' or 'This is the only job I could find.' That's obviously a load of crap. They work here because they love lording over the rest of the campus, acting as though their power to write up tickets and fine people makes up for the fact that the rest of their lives are unspeakably boring and terrible."
The infamous Chicken Soup series, which includes such titles as Chicken Soup for the Dog & Cat Lover's Soul, Chicken Soup for the Gardener's Soul, and the ever-popular Chicken Soup for the Prisoner's Soul, will have to look elsewhere for an addition to its litany of ludicrous titles. Several options were announced in the press release, including Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul, Chicken Soup for the Asshole's Soul and Chicken Soup for the Writers of all these Goddamn 'Chicken Soup' Books' Souls.
