With several interviews looming in my near future, manners have been in the forefront of my mind - so much so that I have decided to share with you, the online reader, all that I have found in my search.
One of the first places I turned to learn all about the proper expression of good taste was the Web site of Gothic Miss Manners. If anyone knows how to make a fine impression, surely she is the woman.
Her long-running online column examines the polite way of doing things. For example, when at a club or other dancing establishment, always remember to never take anything that is on fire onto a dance floor. You wouldn't want someone's cape to burst into flames, would you?
Similarly, watch where your 4-foot train drags and always remember to put down your Marilyn Manson CD. According to Gothic Miss Manners' finishing school teachings, Manson's work cannot be considered Goth.
Furthermore, Gothic Miss Manners - as an online writer herself - examines the phenomenon of Goths taking the Internet too seriously. So-called net.goths are mere posers. The Internet is not real life, she writes.
Technology has served to separate people from each other, many manners-advocates say. Another scourge of the polite is the cell phone, which is why a site like Cell Manners came about.
Billing itself as "a site promoting civility between cell phone users and the people around them," the site gives the impression that more than a few people have had enough of low-fi renditions of "The Mexican Hat Dance" sounding off in movie theaters.
But not only does this site tell people to turn off their phones, but it also employs creepy spies to get the job done. Witness one hockey-masked New York spy who goes by the code name "Slapper." Slapper was riding the bus one day when an Eminem-wannabe decided he wanted to be a very bad boy.
The bandanna-clad "punk," as described by Slapper, proceeded to talk on his cell phone. When asked by the driver to stop, the punk threw apple juice in the driver's face. And all about a little cell phone.
So what services does this site provide to save the world from its greatest scourge: secondhand cell phone conversations? It provides humorous lists of cell slang and an Ask Cell Manners column.
Another not-so-useful, but still amusing, addition to the site is the Cell Dance. It's really nothing but a cute little group of animated, dancing cell phones that make really annoying ringing noises, but for some reason it's strangely appealing.
But still I was left empty-handed in my search for manneristic perfection. I knew when and when not to use a cell phone, and I could hold a perfectly architected conversation on the lameness of Marilyn Manson. But I could not apply this knowledge in a business setting.
I read about the Ten Commandments for Good Manners but was still confused. I took a quiz
knowing well enough that my "Simpsons" ringtone could not be allowed to sing, but still managed to perform poorly.
I even looked at Satan's guide to good manners but learned only that those who wear their hat bills backward will burn in hell. Finally I concluded that good manners are perpetuated online primarily by a bunch of motivational speakers and etiquette schools who seem to be involved in some kind of "please and thank you" conspiracy.
The moral of this story is, the next time you put the fork on the wrong side of your table place setting, make sure no one around you is wearing a hockey mask. You never know when you might be the next Internet laughingstock.
Nicole Saidi is the Content Editor of the Web Devil. Reach her at nicole.saidi@asu.edu.
