Love, Flings and Other Things: I Watched A Date Go Horribly Wrong and All I Got Was A $2 Tip.

When I’m not fawning over my boyfriend, I’m working at a pizzeria in downtown Phoenix. It’s a lovely little restaurant and the highlight of working there is being able to watch potential lovers on their first dates.

This weekend we had a winner. I watched from behind the cash register a young man- probably 22 or so- waiting on the bench outside with flowers in hand. It was 7:50 p.m. so I’m assuming that their date was set for 8pm. The girl didn't arrive until 8:45pm after an hour of watching this poor guy continuously check his watch.

I’m an avid over-thinker and I was already analyzing this date to the ground. That’s one strike for her.  How can you possibly be 45 minutes late without a call, text or apology? One of the coolest things a girl could be is on time. Be reliable. Guys HATE waiting, just like everyone else, especially if they’re about to blow the last of their paycheck on dinner.

They ordered pizza and wine. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw the girl chug her glass like she was taking a shot at a frat party. I couldn’t help but shoot her date a wide-eyed look of concern. He hesitated, but calmly asked me to bring out another round. That night, I sure got a work out because I went back to the table seven more times with wine in hand. By 9 p.m. she kicked off her shoes and was slurring her words.

All she could do was laugh and give nonsensical answers to his questions. He tried talking about religion, politics, life after death, and tried taking a shot at connecting over the Kardashians, but his date didn’t take the bait. She sat uninterested and drunk, only to comment a single word and a yawn every now and then. Strike two. 

He was a real trooper, eventually breaking out a few corny jokes, but she didn’t appreciate them (meanwhile I was laughing from behind the counter.)

I felt bad for the dude. He finally resorted to small talk about the weather, when she said “my ex-boyfriend loved the rain. We used to walk in the rain all the time. He dropped me off here actually.” WHAT? That’s like, the first rule of dating. Don’t bring up your exes! STRIKE. THREE.

If you talk about your ex, especially unprovoked by your new love interest, that pretty much implies that you’re not over them and you’re looking for a rebound. I can’t believe she admitted to being with him right before their date. No wonder she was so late…

Needless to say, there was no goodnight kiss as the two parted to their cars. And don’t worry about the girl drinking and driving … her ex was there to pick her up. Three strikes… she was totally out.