The Stale Mess: Hundreds more stop lights coming to Tempe in city effort to just set everyone on fire

The announcement follows from the city’s move to ‘just totally fuck with them’ in 15-year transportation master plan billed to improve ‘walkability’

The city announced Tuesday it will be installing seven additional stop lights on Apache Boulevard between Mill Avenue and Rural Road and hundreds more throughout the city in a project touted by planners as “the key to simply driving these idiots insane.”

This announcement is the first move under the city’s new transportation master plan, which has been described by commentators as the gold standard in inciting city-wide traffic rage and third-degree sunburns. 

“When you look at Denver, or Riverside or any of these Western car-culture cities, all of them have pioneered ways to absolutely destroy the minds of their residents by insisting that everyone either walk everywhere or sit in congestion for infinity,” Trisha, a city planner, said. “What we’re doing is taking the best from all of these cities and amalgamating it into one unspeakably evil blueprint.”

Tempe residents may have thought they would catch a break on gas money with the city’s new streetcar project, leading many to believe more public transportation options were on the way. Not so, say city officials, who have been working to strategically ruin everyone’s lives the second they leave their front doors. 

“See, we’re real fans of walkability,” City Councilmember Todd, who looked as giddy as a schoolgirl, said. “But we know the heat and low-density sprawl of the city’s functions is going to force people to drive anyway. So, what did we decide to do? Just stop the whole process altogether. Fuck ‘em.” 

The traffic lights are set to be completed and installed before September, and officials joyfully point out that none of them will actually improve walkability through any major traffic corridors. Already national news outlets have jumped to point out the environmental friendliness of the city’s plan. 

Juergen, an associate professor of city planning at University of California San Diego, says it’s about time Arizona cities got on board with the rest of the country. 

“I walk to work every day, smelling the beautiful flowers and admiring the sound of the La Jolla waves lapping up against the distant shore,” Juergen said. “I don’t see any reason why that can’t work for Arizona. I want everyone to experience that joy and, hell, we can even save the planet while we’re at it.”

The mayor at press time was pacing back and forth in front of a glass window overlooking the city in an undisclosed location. 

“All they do is bitch and whine,” the mayor reportedly muttered. “Well what if I show them just how bad this can get.” 

According to eyewitness reports, the mayor then took a sip of whiskey and signed the authorization for the massive traffic light installation. 

“Now I just get to watch them all burn.” 

Editor’s note: The opinions presented in this column are the author’s and do not imply any endorsement from The State Press or its editors.


Reach the columnist at parker.shea@asu.edu or follow @laconicshamanic on Twitter.

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