(This issue is a mock version of the campus daily, the State Press. The events are fictitious. Read it for fun or not at all.)
Amid rumors of yet another effort to recall Tempe Mayor Neil Giuliano, the mayor said at a press conference Monday that he would not only stay in office, but also become the "g-darned fanciest looking hottie mayor in the United States."
Giuliano has recently begun work at FORD Robert Black Agency, a Scottsdale-based modeling firm where he hopes to bolster his fashion-orientated goal. Giuliano sports many looks for the company, including "Beach-front Neil," "I wear a pink polo but it's not because I'm gay. And I'm serious about that" and "I wear stripes and chuckle about it."
Giuliano said the new career move will actually enhance his position as mayor.
"Just look at this 'serious look' I've got," he told reporters as he held up his modeling promo sheet, which includes the Mayor's height, suit, waist, inseam and shoe sizes.
"I've got my newspaper, I've got my stark-white, 'I mean business' coffee mug. I'm wearing a conservative suit. I'm ready for the publics bidding! Literally, if you bid high enough, I'll give you anything you want!" Neil joked.
"But seriously, I'll work for money," he added. "I do birthday parties and fashion shows and I might even get a modeling deal with GAP."
Giuliano said he is confident recall leader A.J. Lafarro will not get him out of office. When asked if he considers Lafarro a serious threat, Giuliano replied, "Maybe for my position as mayor, but not my position with GAP. I mean, he doesn't have any fashion sense at all. Just look at the yellow hard hat he and his followers wear. That look went out with the Village People."
City Council members are torn over Neil's decision.
Longtime ally Councilman Dennis Cahill has publicly supported Neil's decision, but other members are embarrassed.
"So what if he's got another way of earning revenue," Cahill said. "I play Santa Claus every Christmas at Fashion Square Mall. Does that make me a bad person?"
Councilman Hugh Hallman said Neil's modeling stint is a smear on Tempe politics.
"Doesn't Tempe have a hard enough time being taken seriously without our Mayor handing out pictures of himself doing pushups on the beach?" Hallman asked. "I mean, he's not even ripped! Why should I have to look at that? We're never going to get the stadium deal now.
"Everybody thinks Tempe is not only full of college students, but run by them too. 'Why else would they do business in a big funny-looking upside down pyramid?' they ask."
Hallman said he can scarcely show his face at the State Capitol now that he works for a mayor who so poorly represents politics.
"How am I supposed to be really popular with the big-wigs and eventually de-throne King Neil if no one takes me seriously?" Hallman asked.
His question was followed by maniacal laughter. In what on-lookers described as a very "Scooby Do episode maneuver," Hallman ripped off a latex mask to reveal A.J. Lafarro.
"Now everyone knows!" Hallman/Lafarro shouted. "There is no Hugh Hallman! I was merely pretending to be him so I could get the dirt on city politics during private meetings! I'll get you Neil, I'll get you," he said.
Giuliano heard of the outburst the next day and did not appear scathed.
"That guy's a nut," Giuliano said. "Why else would he wear stone-washed jeans?"
The Stale Mess is a parody publication by the State Press Magazine and State Press staffs.
