The Tempe City Council voted 6-1 last night to convert the decrepit Tempe Center into a fully functioning and realized house of ill repute.
The ghost town of a strip mall will be renamed Sparky's Inferno and will cater to the tenured professors of ASU.
"It's about time," said Dr. Barbara Sheeted, a tenured professor of philosophy. "I think the tenured professors of our university deserve perks for our hard work and dedication. This bordello shows that ASU is finally taking a step in that direction."
Developers have proposed a "Vegas" theme, which will feature neon signs outside the brothel and slot machines lining the interior. The walls inside the establishment will be draped with maroon and gold crushed velvet. In the same vein as the Playboy bunnies, bordello waitresses will don a red leotard, complemented by devil ears and a tail. Waiters at the brothel will wear gossamer Speedos with the word 'Sparky's' emblazoned across the backside and a miniaturized image of the ASU mascot resting mischievously on the front.
"We had to do something," said Mayor Giuliano with a shrug. "We figured that a brothel would generate a lot of revenue for Tempe. We wanted to present the city with something tasteful that (we) could all be proud of."
Brothel employees will be comprised of sorority and fraternity members earning community service points and psychology students earning elective credit.
"I think Sparky's Inferno is a great way for me and my sisters to give back to the ASU community," said Staci Peach of Delta Delta Delta. "It fills me with great joy to know that I can help ease the load a professor."
Tenured professors will have free, unlimited access to the brothel, while professors and associate professors will be required to pay an annual membership fee. Sparky's Bordello will be open to the public on weekends, and rates will vary.
Mayor Neil Giuliano did not actually say the things we say he said. No animals were harmed in the process of making up these quotes.
