On New Year's Eve, between countless rounds of Forties and football games, I listened as my friends ambitiously resolved to remember every weekend, to not lose any fingers and to stop crashing into mailboxes.
I knew I needed a resolution that was easier to stick to. Then I overheard some guys resolve to quit smoking.
Suddenly, I was inspired to formulate a resolution that, unlike last year's resolve to write a newspaper column that didn't suck, I could actually stick to.
I, Tim Agne, resolve for 2002 that I will start smoking.
Of course, I didn't come to this resolution immediately. However, I have closely examined the positive aspects of smoking and am confident that I'm doing the right thing.
In years past, I often found myself complaining about smokers. Concerts and clubs were always "too smoky." I hated having to wash my clothes because they reeked of cigarettes. Second-hand smoke was my ubiquitous enemy.
To vanquish this enemy, I thought about avoiding parties, concerts, bars and the smoking sections of restaurants altogether. I even considered living in a plastic bubble with an air filtration system to remove outside particulate matter.
Now, I have a solution that will not isolate me physically or socially. When I start smoking, I will quickly and automatically acclimate myself to the thick, harsh aroma of second-hand smoke and the stale cigarette smell that stains clothes.
When nonsmokers don't want me around because of my habit, I will simply tell them that they should start smoking, too, so we can all enjoy the smell rather than lament it.
My nicotine habit could also solve a more serious problem. As a college student, I sometimes get tired of playing video games, watching ESPN and surfing the Internet. Since homework is out of the question, I find myself in need of a diversion.
Smoking would fill this hole nicely. To anyone who asked what I was doing, I could simply reply, "I'm having a smoke, bro," which sounds infinitely more productive than the alternative, "Nothing."
As a smoker, I will eliminate my chronic collegiate boredom by spending my free time feeding uncontrollable cravings. Addiction will give me something to do.
Besides, 2002 puts me one year shy of my 21st birthday. This severely limits the number of drugs I can legally purchase by blocking me from alcohol.
Cigarettes, I guess, are a passable alternative.
Many people contend that smoking is also an expensive habit. I see this as a blessing.
Smoking will force me to adhere to a strict budget, thus keeping my finances in line. I can feed myself and my addiction and still live within my means.
And as an added bonus, I can take cigarette breaks at work.
Medical research has shown that cigarette smoke causes physical complications, including lung cancer and emphysema. Smoking can cause birth defects in pregnant women, and it hurts sexual performance in men by restricting blood flow to the penis.
That's OK. I'm going to die eventually anyway, I won't get pregnant any time soon and I've got plenty of blood flow to spare.
Besides, people who focus on smoking's negative aspects like the ones above are neglecting the health benefits.
According to this month's Men's Health, cigarettes have a chemical effect on the brain similar to that of antidepressant drugs. Thus, the more I smoke, the less I need Prozac.
My friends who are resolving to kick the habit are also forgetting its best feature -- it's a cool thing to do.
Combine the satisfaction of an oral fixation with the satisfaction of setting fire to something, throw in the undying machismo of guys like the Marlboro Man and Joe Camel, and you've got a close approximation of why smoking is totally rad -- regardless of its negative effects.
As I tear into my first pack of Salem Light 100s, I can't help but smile at the fact that these little paper tubes will solve my problems with second-hand smoke, boredom, inability to purchase alcohol, money, depression and coolness.
Happy New Year. Got a light?
Tim Agne is a nonsmoking journalism sophomore. Reach him at
tim.agne@asu.edu.