I was at a party last weekend, and a girl came up to me and said, "I really like your artificial hair color and your American Eagle T-shirt. Where do you go to school?"
"ASU," I replied, trying to sound suave.
"Oh," she snickered. "You mean Apathetic State University?"
This irked me, and the word 'irk' irks me, so I was double irked.
How dare this high school girl talk that kind of smack about my school?
I was about to go off on her, but I decided it would be too much work. Then I was going to go back to the keg, but the line was too long. I thought about going home, but I didn't feel like walking. All the while, I was still mad that she called me apathetic.
Then, last Monday, I went to the Academic Senate meeting to discuss the new grading system. I strolled in an hour late, just in time to see the parliamentarian flipping out on the protesting students. According to him, the fact that 30 students showed up instead of 30,000 proves that the student body at Apathetic State University really doesn't care.
I was going to say something to him or maybe write him a nasty e-mail, but I never got around to it.
It was about that time that I found out that we have an on-campus newspaper called the State Press. I picked up a copy and, once I figured out how to unfold it, I opened to the Opinion page. There I found an editorial that once again referred to ASU as Apathetic State U.
I tried to recall what the 'A' really stands for, but I couldn't remember. I thought about looking it up, but I didn't feel like it.
I went back to my dorm room to talk to Phil the Chill, which is what I call my beanbag chair. "Throw these dirty clothes off me so you can sit down and watch College Television Network until you fall asleep," Phil said. I was more than happy to oblige.
I powered up the TV and saw P.O.D. rap-rocking at me with a powerfully profound message, "We are, we are, we are the youth of a nation." I had an epiphany.
I realized that I didn't want to sit around and watch CTN if it was going to play terrible music like that.
Moreover, I realized that I was lousy with apathy and that many ASU students were with me. I thought I might write a column about it, but I was really tired.
I checked ASU's Institutional Analysis Web site, and I saw that ASU has 45,693 students. With that many students, I thought, there must be someone on campus who feels strongly enough about something to take some kind of action.
The Young Democratic Socialists proved me right as they lay in front of the Memorial Union protesting Pizza Hut's use of Pictsweet mushrooms. Evidently, this evil mushroom empire does not provide its employees with adequate pay or good working conditions.
Some people may wonder why the socialists feel so passionately about mushroom workers, but I've played enough Super Mario Bros. to know that gathering mushrooms is hard work. Especially when Bowser spits fire and throws hammers at you.
Imagine having to gather mushrooms for a living when your employer will not even provide you with fire flowers and starmen.
Although I admire the effort of the Young Democratic Socialists, I think I'd rather be a slacker than a mushroom protester. Last Friday, I went to work believing that ASU would never escape the current norm of apathy.
I found a glimmer of hope when I met Amanda Norris, an ASASU Senate hopeful from the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences. She agreed that "Apathetic State" is an apt moniker for this university, but she said that ASASU could be in a position to turn things around.
"I think that the most important thing is to get students aware," Norris said.
She's right. Last year, only 2,407 students were even aware that they could vote in the student election. That's only 5 percent of the student body. Maybe the rest didn't see the campaign signs or couldn't access a computer to vote online. Maybe they had never read the State Press either.
Regardless, ASASU is in a position to do something better than bring the cast of Real World here. Students who want to drop the "Apathetic" moniker might think about leaving their beanbag chairs long enough to vote in the ASASU election today or tomorrow.
Maybe later, they could pick up the State Press. As long as they stay away from the Monday Opinion page, they'll find some useful stuff in the paper. Then, perhaps, they could get involved with something more important than mushrooms.
I think I might write that column after all. I'll start it like this:
Many people don't know it, but the 'A' in ASU stands for Arizona, not Apathetic, school officials say...
Tim Agne is a sophomore majoring in whatever. You can reach him at tim.agne@asu.edu, but you probably don't feel like it.
