In a dark, unhappy place in Moscow, we find a small bar, not far from Gorky Park. The plain door leads you into an even darker room where a picture of Stalin is barely seen amidst thick clouds of cigarette smoke. Somewhere in a back corner, dimly lit, we find two suspicious men. One can only assume they are members of the Russian Mafia by listening in on some of their conversation:
Boris: What is the news?
Ivan: We are to strike a deal, a trade-off.
Boris: Very well, I am set to meet with our contact tomorrow. I will present our arrangement. What am I to do if they do not accept our terms?
Ivan: They will accept, if they know what is good and safe for them.
Boris: Should I use force?
Ivan: No, no force should be necessary. They are looking for a deal to be made. There should be no problem.
Boris: There is always a problem; this is never a smooth thing. Remember what happened last time?
Ivan: That was messy. No, there should be nothing like that this time. Do not be worried, all will be fine.
Boris: You were not there last time comrade, nothing went according to plan, people ended up dying.
Ivan: Listen, the boss wants this done without blood this time. Keep everything very low key, and do not draw attention. The last thing we need is for the public to know anything.
Boris: I understand, things will go smoothly, I will make sure of it.
Ivan: When you meet tomorrow, make sure you are very specific, that there is nothing misunderstood. If they do not make good on their end, there will be very serious consequences!
Boris: I will make sure they know exactly what to do, and how to go about taking care of it.
Ivan: Do not forget the gold. If we do not have the gold, then they do not have a deal.
Boris: Of course, the gold is what we need. I will make sure we have it secured before I leave the meeting.
Ivan: This is a highly sensitive and important assignment, do your best.
Boris: Yes, important … I've been meaning to ask you about the importance of this. Do you really think figure skating is worth all of this?
Ivan: In Mother Russia's name, man, yes! It is all that we have left to cling to for a sense of national pride.
Boris: The Russian people are clinging to figure skating? Why? It's not even a sport.
Ivan: What? It most certainly is a sport.
Boris: No it is not. It's ice skating, with some jumps here and there, and some music.
Ivan: Yes, it takes talent, it is a sport, people sweat and turn red.
Boris: If turning red and sweating makes something a sport, then Vodka drinking should be an Olympic event. Figure skating falls in the same category as cheerleading competitions and chess.
Ivan: Now you are going to attack chess? If you do not watch your tongue, you will soon be with Lenin, comrade.
Boris: You are missing the point. Figure skaters are judged by others based on their performance. They do not directly interact with the elements that they are in competition with. Because other people decide on their success it is not a sport.
Ivan: I can see your point, but the Olympic Committee never will. They still haven't figured out that Tonya Harding was working for us. Nonetheless, you must not ask anymore questions and carry out the assignment.
Boris: What for? It is useless, our skaters aren't even that good, and they'll probably mess up. What's the use?
Ivan: You're going to get hurt if you keep asking these kinds of questions.
Boris: No seriously, we creep through dark alleys, meet in bars, travel endlessly, and all for what? The chance to bribe a judge for a vote for our team?
Ivan: Keep this up Boris, and you will find yourself dead.
Boris: Oh no, I won't be killed over something that is only fun to watch when there are Disney characters involved.
Ivan: You'll find yourself on the next rocket to Sputnik!
Boris: I'll be sure to bring some Tang. You can tell Teddy KGB that I'm done with this business. No more will I bribe judges for votes or other skaters to attack their own teammates. No more. Send someone else to Paris.
Rob Jones is a political science junior. Reach him at robert.d.jones@asu.edu before the Russian Mafia does.
