Long ago, in a haven for underage drinking far, far away, some friends of mine spent an evening with a case of beer and a bottle of Jack Daniel's. One guy, who was not me and whom no readers should confuse with me, drank a lot of beer and then proceeded to mix the Jack into beer cans. The mixture was about a quarter Jack, and he called it the "Jack and beer."
Several Jack and beers and a few hours later, he found himself battling a hangover that lasted most of the following day. Even worse, he had a heck of a time explaining it to my parents. I mean, his parents. Today, he will never forget the rhyming maxim that saves the stomachs of binge drinkers everywhere: beer before liquor, never been sicker.
NBC has decided to stick to the same maxim. USAToday.com reported last week that NBC had attempted to make up for 2001's 9.8 percent decrease in advertising revenue by airing ads for hard liquor. NBC had worked out a deal with Diageo, the company that brings you Smirnoff Vodka, to air some of their ads in 2002. Jack Daniels was eager to buy some airtime as well, USAToday.com said.
Wednesday, however, NBC had never been sicker. USAtoday.com reported that the network buckled under pressure from Congress, the American Medical Association, MADD, and the beer industry. It gave up and decided not to air hard liquor ads.
Originally, NBC had imposed a strict set of regulations on the ads. Diageo wouldn't have been able to air vodka ads until it aired four months of community service ads promoting responsible drinking, USA Today said. After that, the liquor ads could only air after 9 p.m. during shows whose viewers were mostly over 21.
Clearly, these regulations were not strict enough. Had NBC run one Smirnoff ad during Conan, everyone would have rushed out to buy vodka immediately. The beer industry would suffer major economic losses, causing Coors to shut down permanently. I can say this with confidence because I'm taking microeconomics.
I can't understand the backlash against NBCs original decision. Liquor ads are prevalent whether they're on television or not.
When I was in the seventh grade, I stole a copy of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. As any thirteen-year-old boy would do, I read it cover to cover several times, closely inspecting every page. In the middle of the magazine was a six-page advertisement that featured swimsuit models posing suggestively on a beach. To my disgust, it looked as though someone had gone through the magazine with a red marker and drawn moustaches on all the girls. The final page was a picture of Captain Morgan standing triumphantly saying, "The Captain was here."
For many years, I hated Captain Morgan for getting to those swimsuit models before I could. I swore that Cap'n Crunch and I would one day get revenge. When I came to college, however, I kicked my Crunch Berries addiction and became more familiar with Morgan.
As it turns out, when a girl who would look good in a swimsuit drinks Captain Morgan, she will more than likely have a red moustache. In fact, her whole face turns red. It then matches my face, because I'm blushing.
A hearty amount of liquor advertising reaches the public, especially horny seventh graders. Many liquor companies advertise on billboards. Kahlua and Jack Daniels have even bought airtime on local television networks, USA Today said.
Liquor companies have infiltrated television advertising in more clever ways. This cunning advertising trick fooled Congress, the American Medical Association, MADD, and the beer industry. Smirnoff Vodka put its label on a malt beverage and launched a major television ad campaign. This not only promotes Smirnoff Ice, it also familiarizes viewers with the Smirnoff brand name. Smooth move. Now Bacardi is answering with a malt beverage of its own. Stay tuned for ads for Everclear Cool, the malt beverage that gets you trashed like hard A, and ads for Jack and Beer, now available in cans. Looking for a bargain? Try Winner's Cup White or Safeway Select Silver.
The liquor industry, however, is not satisfied. Many people say that NBC's decision has little to do with social responsibility and a lot to do with Budweiser Bucks, Miller Money, and Coors Cash.
Ben Steinman, editor of a beer industry newsletter, told USA Today, "Distillers want to move in on beer's turf, and beer wants to protect its turf. You can cloak it as much as you want in corporate responsibility, but it's a competitive battle."
Watch some television this weekend and you'll more than likely see some beer ads. Sadly, you won't see the Captain in fully animated glory painting moustaches on girls in bikinis.
The distilled spirits industry will get over it when they realize that liquor sells itself. Remember: liquor before beer, you're in the clear.
Tim Agne is a journalism sophomore who is in no way affiliated with Cap'n Crunch. Contact him at tim agne@asu.edu.
