(This last issue of the State Press Magazine is a mock version of the campus daily, the State Press. All names, quotes and events are fictitious. Read it for fun or not at all.)
Buenos Dias, my name is Diego Montoya. I am from Malaga, Spain. I have come to study interpretive dance in your country. A few things have come to my attention during my short stay in America.
Fist of all, is the general ignorance that students have for international events. Just once I would love to open up the State Press and see an in-depth article about King Ferdinand or Penelope Cruz.
Second, and more importantly, is that you students here at the University have no fashion sense. Everywhere I look it is the same thing, T-shirts, jeans, FLIP-FLOPS! This is a disgrace. There is no style, no finesse, no, how you say it…ah, yes, Flare.
I said to myself, Diego Xavier Montoya, I said you have got to do something to help the students of this Universidad. I knew that eliminating ignorance around here would be like Don Quixote trying to conquer the Windmills, a task too impossible for a lone Spaniard. So the only thing left to do was get my own fashion column in which I will describe to the students how to be sexy and fashionable. I will tell them what it means to have attitude.
Now I do realize that due to my Latin blood I have an unfair advantage in the "guapo" category, but hopefully after reading my column you fashionably deprived students will have a glimmer of hope.
Out on the Town
I like to be fashionable every day all day long. This includes doing daily chores like grocery shopping, picking up dry cleaning, going to school and, of course, going to the local coffee shop and sweet talking the ladies.
Believe it or not, looking as good as I do all the time does not mean that you have to drain your bank account. I have been able to find a lot of incredible outfits for exceedingly low prices.
My favorite ensemble is one that I was able to pull together at a local Savers thrift department store. I went there one Saturday with my friend Francisco and I found some great brown polyester pants that accentuate my hot ass. I also found a very rugged vest that I like to wear with no shirt underneath to show off my bountiful chest hair. As if that wasn't enough I bought the ultimate American man accessories; a cowboy hat and boots.
All for only $13.73, if you Americans can appreciate anything I know you can appreciate cheap, tight clothing. Listen to me people, I will say it one more time: It's not that hard to look this good! You just have to put a little effort into it.
You should see the looks I get when I wear this outfit around town. They're priceless. You Americans and your sarcasm, you remind me of the Andalucians, I love it. When I hear someone yell out, "Hey freak, nice boots!" I know that you really mean, "You are one dead sexy man, those boots really accentuate your outfit!"
Sporty, no?
The women in my country love legs. I have not to determine whether they admire the rippling muscles I display or if they envy the hair growth I achieve. No matter, this little number really gets the ladies looking twice.
I like to call these shorts I found at a local St. Vincent de Paul thrift store my "Diego Dukes." There must be something about the sharp pinching that happens just at the crease of my groin and thigh in these things that gets me going the most. I don't know, but it's quite a fashion statement and social commentary on sadomasochism, no?
And when I play futbol with my Hispanic friends in the neighborhood, the shorts are very intimidating as, again, the girth of my legs is really bulging as I gallop at top speeds. The other players are so frightened of me, they turn and run as if I were an angry bull cut loose in the streets of Pamplona.
Keeping with the schoolboy-charm of the outfit, when the shorts are accented with this colorful striped shirt and Izod sweater, it makes just about any Catholic priest as giddy as a nymph running through a field of wild flowers in the springtime! No wonder I found it at St. Vincent de Paul.
Just $18.53 for all. Thank me luego, my jealous amigos!
The "wet" look
I have found that there is no better place to see beautiful American ladies in Arizona than lounging next to the pool, frolicking with other beautiful ladies. And if you don't come ready to play along with them, well then — how you say — you are left to dry yourself.
Ay, dios mio! I amuse even myself sometimes!
So, just yesterday, Francisco and I went shopping for swimming suits, although after you ladies see this suit I doubt you'll want to do much swimming with me, if you know what I mean…
I picked up this little, very little, $10 Speedo from the Ricardo Montalban collection (I love his work) and it really shows off my "abilities." Again, my ass looks oh so hot! I'm squeezing it right now.
And when you drape my upper torso in Hawaiian print (just $12.95 at Old Navy), well then I'm more wanted than a Sangria in Madrid at 1 in the morning!
So, now that I'm ready for all that ASU has to offer this Spanish hunk, I will leave you now, in search of love and naïve sorority girls who can't help themselves when exchange students come knocking.
Adios, mis amigos!
Diego can be found at any number of nightclubs in town right now. Yes, now.
Reach the authors at josef.watson@asu.edu and joy.hepp@asu.edu
