Things I think I know and things I know, I think.
I think the line between man and machine just got blurrier with the announcement last month that a Florida family has had rice-sized computer chips implanted in their upper arms. The chips contain phone numbers and medical information; they can be read by a scanning device connected to an Internet database.
Cool. Just imagine, we can carry our life histories around with us. Of course, a grain of rice might not be large enough for all the details of some lives. Elizabeth Taylor's wedding file, for instance, would need a chip the size of a tennis ball. Bill Gates' bank account chip - well, if he put it in his stomach, he'd look eight months pregnant. And there's not a politician alive who could carry the chip that had all his/her broken promises on it.
Speaking of scans, I think a certain pair of ex-America West pilots ought to have brain scans just to see if there really is one in there. Mouthwash? I'm so sure. Come to think of it, they were probably drinking to drown their concerns about all the overweight passengers that would be getting on their planes because of Southwest Airlines' new "two widths, two seats" rule. I mean, let's face it, who would want to try flying a plane with two hundred 400-pounders on board? No wonder they were stressing out. And I won't be surprised if Southwest doesn't hire Richard Simmons as their new spokesman. "Why are you fat?! And why are you trying to get on my airplane?! Pick up that suitcase! One, Two, Three! Make it burn!"
I know the Rodeo-Chediski fire had tragic consequences for a lot of people, but blaming the scope of the fire on environmentalists just proves that the politicians, like Jane Hull, Jon Kyl and Karen Johnson, who make unsupportable claims about numbers of lawsuits and characterize people who are concerned about human damage to the environment as radicals, have, at one time or another, been doused with brain retardant.
I think if there is a movie made of Dubya's presidency, it would star Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, and it will be called "Witless in Washington."
After a discussion with one of my colleagues, I think I have to agree that the recent ruling against the phrase "one nation under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance is wrong. Americans have always believed in God. That belief is far stronger today than it was 226 years ago. The God Americans believe in is, of course, money. Money controls every action we take that is not related to reproduction - and many of those actions that are. Where do you think the phrase "Almighty Dollar" comes from? Millionaires are the new icons of society. Whether they are sports millionaires, rock millionaires or computer millionaires, they dictate fashion, lifestyles and morals (or lack of same.) We hang on their every word and action. Television shows and movies exploit the theme of money as the Great Enabler. And why else would someone pay $50 for a $10 shirt or pair of pants just because it has some geek's name on it? Because money is God. Money is cool. Money lets you get away with murder. Separation of Church and State? Don't make me laugh. The State is all about money. Those who have money get elected to office; they are nearly untouchable legally; they funnel money to their own little pork barrels, regardless who else might suffer. Actually, I think the phrase in question needs to be changed. It should read: "One nation, because of $god$." (Thanks Darlene.)
I think the best three Web sites on the Internet are darwinawards.com, onion.com and the Buzz section of azcentral.com.
Terry Moore is a graduate student in the department of English. Reach him at terry.moore@asu.edu.
