Fame is a touchy thing. One minute you're the king of the populace, next thing you know you're a fleshy body freefalling with a looming finale of a solid, gory thud.
In any case, becoming famous isn't an easy task. It's not like you're born into it with a disco-friendly family. That would be a thriller of a fate, but it rarely, if ever, happens. Then again, there are other routes.
Keep the faith and go off the wall. Park yourself on a street corner and just sing (or scream) till the break of dawn. It doesn't take 2,000 watts of power to be a speed demon on the celebrity totem pole. Whatever happens, remember: fame is human nature, jam to it.
Heaven can wait, but fame can't. Cut off your nose and get going on a future, one that will be envied and admired around the world. Grab your crotch and relish in the lovely aspects that celebrity status can bring — wealth, women, white gloves and a winded lawyer busily catching up on the day's court docket. Fame rocks.
This dangerous aspect of fame — workin' day and night, threatened innocence, heartbreaker melodies— is easily attainable, especially with my list. This is the 10-point guide to becoming famous. Don't drop the ball, especially from four-story buildings, because I want you to rock my world.
And if you don't like it, beat it and go cry somewhere else.
1. Change appearance. Who wants classic looks anyway? The only way to be unbreakable is to look at the man in the mirror and ask him to make a change. Never fear, gone too soon are the butterflies in the stomach once you get your new appearance.
2. Love all races/genders/things. No discriminating. Love everyone. Try experimenting with other races and age groups. For black men, just remember this: "Another part of me wants to be a white woman." Black and white, adult and minor — it's all the same when you're the fabled artist of the millennium.
3. Be festive. Turn your house into a giant amusement park. Name it after a Peter Pan locale. Have a chimp at your side at all times. If people doubt your sanity, just say, "Primate and I are just good friends," and revisit rule number two.
4. Love children. Always be kind to children (extra special kind). And if non-children find out and take pictures of your nuts, just buy them off with huge amounts of money. Smooth criminals love children — live it, learn it, moonwalk it.
5. Alter appearance more. Slice nose, eyes, lips, chin and cheeks. Take special care in matching skin tones (remember: pale to pale). Don't stop till you get enough.
6. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Nothing says "clean" (and "leave me alone") like surgical masks and white gloves. Keep them handy. Protect yourself from the world. The world is dirty.
7. Excise the devils. Guys named Tommy or Motola are evil. Preach this to everyone.
8. Love your porn director. Gay porn directors should produce all media. This ensures that no controversy remains in the closet.
9. Manage your finances. Spend insane amounts of money and sell few CDs. It's an industry standard. Buy the Beatles catalog while you're at it.
10. Don't drop your children from tall buildings. Slam-dunking babies in front of the international press corps is not a good idea.
Complete these items and you're bad, plain and simple. And being bad comes with certain responsibilities—one of them is being the biggest freak on the planet.
Michael Clawson is a journalism junior. Reach him at michael.clawson@asu.edu.
