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Damn those Eskimos


It has come to the attention of The Stale Mess editorial board that the Inuit, also known as Eskimos, have somehow escaped our critical eye.

As everyone knows, we sit down here in our dungeon, unhappy and bitter about life, sucking on gin and tonics all day, with one mission: to hurt people.

Yes, just as suspected, we crawl through the sewer system like the rats we are, living on decaying insects and gossip that comes through the pipes. And as you know, we pick out one group of people to over-generalize and stereotype and otherwise blast every week. Without this little nugget of fun, we would waste away.

We've made fun of every race, gender, sexual preference and species we can think of.

But somehow, we've managed to overlook one group of people probably more deserving of ridicule than anyone.

Those wily Inuit!

Well, not anymore! Your time has come lousy Inuit people!

Apparently, "Inuit" means "the people." Oh, that's clever. We're "the people." Yeah, that's gonna go well with a lot of things. Too bad America already has "We, the people" taken. Suckers!

Yeah, that's right, go retreat into your oversized furry hoods from the sheer embarrassment of your kind.

We know you've been fearing this day, Inuit people, a.k.a., "the people" people.

Well, too bad! The wrath that is The Stale Mess is here.

Let's start with your geographic makeup. What, ya scared? Well, too bad! We're The Stale Mess and nobody gets away with dignity in this editorial space!

Now, it seems that your "people" come from places like Alaska, Greenland, Russia and Canada.

Sweet mother of meat, we could end this editorial right here! Could you have chosen any more pathetic places to come from? What, you're the Inuit, so you just settle for the places no one else wanted? Does anyone even live in Greenland? Oh yeah, the freakin' Inuit do!

OK, OK, maybe we're being too harsh. After all, your people did bring us Eskimo pies, Klondike bars and polar bears. But, wait a minute, you're trying to trick us into not making fun of you!

See what these freakish Inuit try to do to you? They're all witches and warlocks we tell you!

We hereby call for a boycott of all Inuit people from Alaska to Greenland to Russia to Canada. That should cover most of them. Don't worry, we don't think there are any dwelling around us. We hear they melt in the sun. They would, the rotten Inuit. That would be just like them to go and melt on you and leave you hanging.

Oh, the things we could tell you about the Inuit.


DISCLAIMER

This is called a disclaimer. A disclaimer is for nimrods that haven't caught on to the fact that the last issue of The State Press is The Stale Mess. All quotes and situations are completely fabricated. That means made up. Still confused? Look at the girl next to you. See her boobs? Touch them. That's right, they're fake. So is the The Stale Mess! Enjoy.


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