Ah yes, that's a good pour you've got there gent. Give me a good, proper prime for just a few moments, and before you know it a refreshing tipple will have filled your glass and your stomach.
Right good chap, keep the cup tipped until the last moment and then level her out. The only bad "head" is on a poorly drawn libation I always say. Scandalous, aren't I?
What? Did someone yell, "keg-stand"? Do I look like a keg of Miller High Life to you? Quite the contrary, good sir. I am a proper keg of Fat Tire.
I retail for $149.99 and am to be kept at a brisk 43 degrees Fahrenheit, lest we forget what temperature deviation can do to the nutty flavor of my loins. The likes of you don't even deserve to prime my pump, let alone drink from the delicious nectar that I contain within this metal shell.
Get a blasted cup, you unrefined monsters! First off, keg-stands spread germs and can even increase the likelihood of halitosis. Not that you smelly dafts even know what that is. Not to mention issues of liability that accompany any headstand. That's just dangerous you twits.
Oh, that's mature, make the women do a keg-stand just because you fancy a peak and a bit of a grab. Never mind that she could never appreciate my unique blend of barley and hops. Appreciation for my smooth blend is entirely lost on women. She would probably prefer to be drinking a Vanilla Stoli, or some other similar concoction.
Please don't do this Crystal, I will be quite the laughing stock if you partake in this keg-stand. You are better than them. No! You're spilling me! Bloody hell! No means no you heathens!
What a putrid display. What would mumsy say? My innocence is lost. Now that you have had your fun with me, the least you could do is get a little disinfectant over here before you subject any of these patrons to the viruses wrought in Crystal's suck-hole. I'm not the first one to call it that and we all know it's quite fitting.
No, not you! Please, Timbo, let's be reasonable. Look, I know you want to drink a lot of beer and I can respect that. How about you pour me into a beer bong and drink from there? That ought to be a jolly good show, eh old boy?
Not again! Please stop! Help! HELP! Do you know how expensive I am!
I can get through this. He can't drink forever. If this were sex he'd be done by now. Why me? Get this bloke off of me.
Violated. I'm nothing. I'm a shell of the keg I once was. Please, no more. Leave me what little dignity and suds I have left. End this party straight away if you have any decency. I might as well be a domestic brew.
|
DISCLAIMER |
|
This is called a disclaimer. A disclaimer is for nimrods that haven't caught on to the fact that the last issue of The State Press is The Stale Mess. All quotes and situations are completely fabricated. That means made up. Still confused? Look at the girl next to you. See her boobs? Touch them. That's right, they're fake. So is the The Stale Mess! Enjoy. |
