The Stale Mess reported the following incidents last week:
An ugly man was arrested last night when he attempted to get into Martini Ranch in Scottsdale. Witnesses say the man was out of his league and endangered the retinas of the bar's clientele.
Green Giant was arrested Monday and charged with domestic abuse. Police received a phone call from Sprout claiming that the Giant had been trying to steam him. Sprout is going to drop charges, however, saying that, "the big lunk loves me too much."
ASU President Michael Crow was arrested last night for panhandling on Mill Avenue. Crow was reportedly asking pedestrians for a spare grand or two, "cause my kids gotta eat too. And all they eat is caviar."
Two men in a toboggan were arrested early morning after a night of "some heavy drinking." The men were charged with disturbing the peace with their song, "You Say To-boggan. I say...we're drunk!"
A group of deviant handcuffs were arrested Monday. This elusive gang, however, escaped when no handcuffs could be found to sedate the perpetrators. Nobody is safe.
You were arrested last night after challenging every Dos Gringos patron to try and get you down from the table. Not only were you removed from the table, but you were beaten mercilessly so that you no longer have any memory of the event. Shameless.
Satan was arrested early Sunday evening for drifting out of the underworld. Satan blames the Cardinals victory on Sunday afternoon for freezing his home and everything he loves. Arizona, he claims, is the only suitable habitat left for him.
DISCLAIMER |
This is called a disclaimer. A disclaimer is for nimrods that haven't caught on to the fact that the last issue of The State Press is The Stale Mess. All quotes and situations are completely fabricated. That means made up. Still confused? Look at the girl next to you. See her boobs? Touch them. That's right, they're fake. So is the The Stale Mess! Enjoy. |