A former ex-girlfriend of Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein has come forth to stand up for his dilapidated image among Americans.
"He's really gotten a bad rap," said Imas Lave, better known as "No. 54" in Hussein's famed 1997 harem.
Lave contended that despite his tendency to torture people and animals and the ability to smell blood within a five-mile radius, Hussein is really just a "big ol' soft camel's hump."
"I know it's hard to believe, but Saddam -- oh dear, I mean the Almighty Leader of All that is Holy and Good -- is really a sweet guy underneath all the bloodshed. Whew, that was a close one," said Lave, who was moved up from her position in the harem to be Hussein's mustache comber, a highly coveted position among harem girls.
Lave said that Hussein treated her and her fellow harem mates with the utmost compassion, letting them lick his chest hair once a day and allowing them to breathe every hour, on the hour.
There was one member of Hussein's harem who seemed to object to his practices, but when asked to question her, Iraqi officials said she had become "incapacitated."
Lave said that Hussein is simply misunderstood.
"He is a complex man," she said. "Sure, he bites the heads off of small desert dwelling creatures for fun, and he once rode to work on his mother's back, but he is really very sensitive. He wears a beret for Allah's sake. How bad can he be?"
Lave said some of the other harem girls tried to persuade her once that Saddam was a bad seed and that she shouldn't fall for his wily ways, but Lave said she was determined to stick by her gun-wielding, bomb-toting boyfriend.
"They're just jealous," Lave said of the other harem girls. "They're all just aching for a little Saddam salami, if you know what I mean. No, really, he makes a killer summer sausage. It really is quite excellent."
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