Since The U.S. Department of Homeland Security raised the national level of alert to the knee-shaking color "orange," shoppers have begun rushing out of their homes. But consumers aren't making runs to their local hardware and home supply stores for the latest fad in home improvement.
They're going to help prepare for war with Iraq. Yes, you too can be safe from a bioterror or chemical attack with some duct tape and plastic sheeting. That's right, duct tape and plastic sheeting. Sounds safe to me.
In fact, just stock up on enough dry food and other "essentials" for three days and you'll be on your way to being war-ready. Perhaps you could even add it to your weekend to-do list: buy toilet paper, sleep, feed fish, watch The Simpsons, stock up on war supplies. Yep, this war season, we'll be prepared.
The fun doesn't stop there. This also gives those of us dying to buy those really ultra-stylish charcoal-lined decontamination suits an excuse to do so. And who couldn't resist the urge to rush out with the crowds and get his or her own gas mask? You never know when it will come in handy. (Of course, those of you living in Manzy or PV Main may have already found out that gas masks and decontamination suits can be useful in all sorts of everyday situations.)
You can even include this stockpiling in today's Valentine's Day plans. What better way to tell your loved one how much you care than with freeze dried and dehydrated foods? It's the gift of life. Better still, it's the last minute gift that won't be sold out. And, even if you don't use it all during this war season, most have a shelf life of about twenty years. You can save it for next time.
If you were one of those paranoid people stocking up for Y2K, you may even have supplies left over. No need to buy more dehydrated food and MRE military rations when you've got some from the last "just in case, even though the chance of it happening is lower than the risk of a large-scale elephant attack" national anxiety craze.
And if that's not enough old timey goodness, we can all go under our desks, duck and cover. Sure, the thought of saving a life by hiding under a desk sounds crazy, but so does the Y2K scramble, now that we can look back.
Of course, this orange alert is very different. This time duct tape and plastic sheeting will really save us. I'm personally glad that we have a color-coded system to help us civilians figure out things like this. I mean, after months of approaching war, and just recently hearing about Osama Bin Laudin's latest taped statements, I would have never imagined that right now our threat of a terrorist attack is officially "high."
It makes me feel comforted to know that our nation's Department of Homeland Security, which opposed efforts this year to provide $5 billion more for homeland defense, can use their colors to represent our risk. Now, not only can we prepare for the "high" risk by stocking our homes with duct tape and plastic sheeting, we can also begin reading enlightening brochures by the American Red Cross such as "Your Family Disaster Plan" and "Terrorism: Preparing for the Unexpected." Great.
Now, when they raise the national level to red, we'll be ready because we have our terrorism brochures and duct tape. Oh joy.
Rosie Cisneros is a journalism freshman. Reach her at rosie.cisneros@asu.edu.
