The latest topic of criticism for popular press mediums is the ever-growing monster of reality TV. Never one to stray from what is popular, especially when a monster is involved, I wanted to chime in on the worst reality concept that seems to have flown under most critics' radar screens.
With shows like "Elimidate," "Dismissed," "Taildaters" and "Blind Date," it's time to take a stab at dating shows, which waste precious time that could be used to show "Behind the Music," "Pardon the Interruption," "Seinfeld" and other quality programs.
While these shows go way back to the Chuck Barris era, the people who appear on the shows aren't what they used to be. It's always a woman with a huge chest and a guy with a bigger chest.
There is no way a guy like me could ever make it on one of these shows, no matter how much charisma, talent and personality he has. Trust me, I've tried - nine times.
They always tell me that my interests need to include working out and exclude bug collecting. Since I carry so much spite toward the producers of these shows, I have decided to expose the secrets behind the scenes of these dating shows. They'll curse the day they ever met "The Fan Man" (my self-given nickname they also noted in the rejection letter).
Since all these shows are basically the same, let's target "Elimidate." On this show, the producers put one guy with four gals, vice versa. No matter what the arrangement is, you can predict who is going to be Elimidated and when. The first person to go is the somewhat unattractive, not very exciting person. So if you had Screech from "Saved by the Bell," a chimpanzee, Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue and a bottle of water, Screech would be the first person to hit the bricks.
The second person or thing to be Elimidated would be the one that you want to love, but you just can't, since it's illegal in most civilized nations. In short, the thing is lovable but ugly. Butt-ugly. Therefore, the chimp would get it next. The first time he throws feces or the Elimidater gets a good look at his dental work, all his charm is forgotten.
Then it comes down to Nikki Sixx and a bottle of water - or the wild party animal and the calm, cool and refreshing character. The wild party animal is always kept on the show until the final elimidate because someone has to keep the party going. If you left the Elimidater with the chimp or Screech, you might as well change the channel. No one wants to see either of those two make it to the end.
In the end, the party animal is removed because that bottle of water is, deep down, really refreshing.
This is basically how all these shows work, although each has its own little twist. On "Dismissed," they start off with Nikki Sixx and the bottle of water and forego Screech and the chimpanzee.
The latest dating show is "Married by America." In this program, there are three, rather than two or four, contestants. From what I can tell, that's the show's only unique angle - oh yeah, and something about lifelong commitment during the commercial break, but I didn't make it to that part.
These shows are ridiculous and full of sexy imbeciles. My point is, why not give a less sexy imbecile a chance? The 10th time is a charm.
Christopher Fanning is a journalism sophomore. Reach him at christopher.fanning@asu.edu.
