I sat down Wednesday morning to write a poignant and witty anti-war column. I intended to fill it with biting sarcasm and a well conceived joke about how Bush should "head for the mountains," for I am a fan of any libation-based jokes.
I sat at my computer, cracked my knuckles and laid down a totally sweet first sentence: "The war in Iraq is retarded." The adrenaline was pumping. I was going full-tilt, balls to the wall. I'd be ready to bust out that Busch beer joke at any time, and it would rule.
Before I could lay down another sentence, my eyes strayed to the pile of old papers on my desk. There I saw a picture of Brian Buck staring timidly at me from the front page of Monday's edition of The State Press next to a headline that read " A question of honor."
The story explained how the ASU administration recently amended the student code of conduct. It now requires students involved in extracurricular activities to act "with honor, dignity and integrity," or they could be removed from all such activities. They must represent the University in "conduct that relates directly to the activity as well as all other conduct on and off campus."
It occurred to me that, as an opinion columnist, I would be bound to live by the code. No easy columns. From that point forward, my column would have to reflect honor, dignity and integrity not only in the writing, but also in my behavior while writing it.
At the time, I was wearing a shirt I borrowed from my friend that said, "I fu%# on the first date." No dignity there. I immediately changed into my most dignified article of clothing: my St. Louis Blues jersey.
I also cleaned up my room, neatly organizing the comic books, newspapers and empty Jaeger bottles. Hoping to regain some integrity, I also deleted all the porn I had illegally downloaded while I lived in the dorms.
Now a bit more dignified, I turned back to my column. "The war in Iraq is retarded." No honor in that statement. It's unpatriotic and politically incorrect. I deleted it and pecked out a new one: "Bush needs to head for the mountains."
Although I had originally thought the joke was comedic gold, living by the code changed my perspective. I began to question the integrity of the joke. I wondered if another writer had already made the Bush/Busch connection. If so, there would be no honor in making the joke.
I hit delete again and resolved to change my topic. "ASU students need to get serious about boozing." Perfect. It was bursting with honor, dignity and integrity on many levels.
Suddenly, my doorbell rang, and I tore myself away from writing to answer it. There stood trashy-looking girls and a guy with a camera who told me they were on a scavenger hunt.
I wanted to tell them to get lost, but I figured that no person of honor would leave these good people to scavenge the mean, cold streets of Tempe. I invited them in, and they asked me to brush my teeth with my toilet brush.
Before the code, I wouldn't have done it. But now, I had to think about honor and dignity. I was stuck. On one hand, it would be horribly indignant to carry out the task. On the other, they would brand me a coward if I refused, and a coward has no honor. I decided since honor comes first in the code, I should stick a toilet brush in my mouth.
Once my teeth were porcelain white, my visitors suggested I take a shower. Since cleanliness is essential to maintaining an air of dignity, I agreed. Then the girls asked if they could join me.
What man of honor can refuse the request of a lady, let alone two ladies? I accepted, and the ladies started touching me and doing other things. I would have stopped them, but that would have left me in an uncomfortable and indignant position.
I noticed the man was filming us. I felt awkward but, as a journalist, I could understand why he would want to document something like that. My journalistic integrity prevented me from stopping him.
To make a long story short, I will be appearing in "Shane's World 68: Opinion Columnist Scavenger Hunt 2." My involvement and performance in the film is purely a result of my desire to comply with the administration's code while conducting myself with honor, dignity, and integrity to represent ASU both on and off campus.
Tim Agne is a journalism junior who lives by the code: Mountain Dew Code Red. Reach him at tim.agne@asu.edu.
