There's something magical about the way paint, duct tape and cardboard fuse together in perfect harmony. To witness one of the finest displays of human competition, I hung out with the Sexy Salmon Squad on Saturday to watch them defend their title as "The Great Cardboard Boat Regatta" champions.
Call the salmon-colored gladiators obnoxious because they taunt opponents like "Drowning Tiger, Sinking Dragon" and ridicule the Regatta judges. But no matter what you call them, the Sexy Salmon Squad is undoubtedly a fan favorite.
Now I know what you're thinking: "Last time I checked, a few pieces of cardboard wouldn't keep me afloat!" You're right. Cardboard is definitely not water repellent. But with the help of a few dozen rolls of duct tape and 80 coats of salmon-colored paint, you have got yourself a waterproof vessel as solid as a Greek battleship.
Where did the Sexy Salmon Squad get the cardboard supplies?
"We go Dumpster diving," said Steve Campbell, computer science senior and Sexy Salmon Squad captain. Other important decorative and good-luck items include a Cadillac hubcap from Grandma's car.
Like the Mark Antony in the naval battle of Actium, the Sexy Salmon Squad raced valiantly, but their hopes of being second-time champions sunk like a rock in the semi-finals - along with their salmon-colored cardboard boat.
While the battleship cracked in half, the squad stood in unison and saluted the crowd as they sank into the abyss. But not all pride was to the bottom of the lake; there was still the "Titanic Award," given to the team with the best sinking. Some competitors consider it the most prestigious and coveted of the awards.
When it came time for the biased Regatta judges to hand down their awards, the Sexy Salmon Squad once again was swimming upstream. The "Titanic award" was awarded to some team dressed like Star Wars Storm Troopers.
While the loss deflated the sails of the Sexy Salmon Squad, the team said they just have to pay extra homage to the cardboard boat gods. A sacrificial bonfire has already been set. The ashes of this year's boat will be collected in an urn and put on the shelf, next to last year's champion. Like true gladiators, the Sexy Salmon Squad never gives up. There's always next year.
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Ben Honingford is a journalism sophomore. Reach him at benjamin.honingford@asu.edu.
