The Los Angeles "hair bandit" has been apprehended and sentenced to an eight-year prison term. We can all sleep more soundly tonight. But sadly, the hair bandit is one kind of bandit I'd like to see released. And "bandit" is a term I'd like to see used more often, but enough about me.
According to Reuters, Michael Howard was just a run-of-the-mill bike salesman in Los Angeles until December 2001 when - to make a long story short - his father died, his bicycle business began to fail, he became a cocaine addict and he developed a hair fetish which caused him to stalk the beautiful plastic women of southern California to steal their locks of hair.
His crazy caper was put to an end when Jack Howard alerted authorities that the infamous hair bandit was his brother. Apparently, when Michael was just a regular old cocaine addict, that wasn't enough to worry Jack.
When the "hair bandit" was in full swing - for three weeks in that fateful December - he "attacked" nine women and a 12-year-old girl. Strangely enough, he attacked no mullet-mopped men, leading us to believe he was a strictly heterosexual hair bandit. In the end, Howard was charged with nine robberies and one count of a lewd act against a minor, because the hair that was stolen from the minor was used for a sexual purpose.
Considering our overcrowded prison system, Michael Howard should be released and given a job at Supercuts where he could shear hair all day and take the snippets home, like a waiter might do with leftover food.
A cold, dank prison is for "car bandits" or "checking account number bandits," but not for thieves who steal something that is just going to grow back anyway. You can't re-grow that checking account (except with "hard work," but who wants to do that?!) and you can't just re-grow your automobile, but with a few weeks and some Rogaine, that mane of yours is right back to normal, and a good, honest, coke-snorting American is back where he belongs: on the streets collecting the hair he loves so much.
The police said Howard had developed a hair fetish beyond your wildest dreams. Actually, they said he had developed a hair fetish. I added the part about it being beyond your wildest dreams to dramatize the situation a bit. When the cops raided his house, they found a hair-carpet on the floor, rows of ponytails lined up, and over 40 hair-fetish videos.
They'll put anything on videotape these days. The videos included ones of naked women getting haircuts, one of a couple who cut and shaved each others' heads, and another of a Spanish game show where contestants would have their hair cut if they answered incorrectly.
As the great prophet Don King might say, "only in America." Stories like this one almost make all the atrocities that occurred during the westward migration of the 19th century seem worthwhile. Things like this just don't happen in Delaware.
The apprehension of the "hair bandit" just makes me believe that our police are using their resources for the wrong purposes. If years upon years of watching The Simpsons have taught me anything, it is that everywhere, real criminals are out there grifting, running counterfeit jeans rings, and hiding killer whales from the FBI. The hair bandit isn't such a bad guy, and if I weren't so damn lazy, I might devote my life to freeing him from the injustices of his conviction. This column will have to do.
Gregory Salvatore is a broadcast journalism senior. Reach him at gregory.salvatore@asu.edu.
