Renegade squirrels, alligators with jaws agape and bears with a penchant for human flesh have been the staple roadkill of FOX specials like "When Animals Attack." It follows that little that the network does comes as much of a shock anymore, but I'm still amazed how far FOX will go.
Believe it or not, a modern-day Ripley behind the scenes at the network must have caught the orthopedic surgery bug. Because the latest hour-long special at the network, "101 Things Removed From the Human Body," focuses on the most outrageous items ever removed from human bodies.
When I first heard about this show Thursday afternoon, a few hours before it aired, I did one of those sorts of double takes that you only see in comedy: one half turn of the head, a mumbling of "OK" or something like it and a concluding jerk of the head complete with a look of sheer horror. What?!?
"You have got to be (expletive)ing kidding me," I said. "I only watch FOX for the attacking squirrels."
But no one was (expletive)ing kidding me.
It was 60 minutes of sharp objects impaling daredevils and sort-of rednecks, except for two guys from India: there was the over-hyped story about a 40-something man who finally had the well-developed twin fetus in his belly taken out, and then a guy with a piece of fish snout stuck in his head.
One man actually went out at night to stab frogs with a large fork tool, and ended up falling down and jamming the fork teeth through his face. Wow. Another had an anchor somehow jammed in his head. Other people had more standard objects removed: rebar, axes and pieces of wood. All of them came close to wrecking their eyes, or the object "just missed" their carotid artery and other important body parts. Some had to have so many plates and screws implanted to hold their bones together that Home Depot must be jealous. Some have suffered permanent nerve damage, but everybody lives happily ever after in this show, and the surgical reconstruction jobs are quite impressive.
Other people got things stuck in their rectums after trying a little too hard to make a tight fit. The infamous x-ray of a poorly-placed jelly jar, viewable on rotten.com for a long time, made an appearance. Another man was a crook who jammed diamonds up his nether orifice to hide his theft from the police. I would like to thank the doctor who appeared on the show and warned audiences about the hazards of stretching the limits of their rectums.
"Don't do it."
Really, it's not the people themselves who need to be made fun of in this show. It's the overall production. Viewers are basically being entertained by people's unfortunate situations and painful operations; that's simply not enough for the network. Jerky and excessively FOX-like, too much of the footage is slowed down to single frames every half-second or so. Rather than dramatic, such slo-mo editing is jarring. The standard "guy with a creepy voice" builds annoyance instead of suspense. The frequent, repetitive cliffhangers are some of the reality genre's worst.
To be totally accurate, the program was more like 40 minutes of actual show, five minutes of teasers and cliffhangers and 15 minutes of commercials. (And you don't get to see all 101 objects; many are just listed in between segments, and only a few are actually shown.) Knowing the taste of the audience, FOX plugged fall reality shows left and right. I felt like I was sort of being suckered into watching a fourth series of "Temptation Island" and some other "American Idol" clone, rather than watching quality entertainment for gosh sakes.
But one could argue it's my own fault for watching - I'm quite aware of the pristine quality of FOX shows like "When Shirtless Guys With Mullets Go Bad" and "America's Most Painful Car Crash Deaths." (In case you're wondering, I made those up.) And I go for an occasional helping of renegade squirrel as a guilty pleasure.
"101 Things" is really the cherry on top of one very bloody sundae.
Nicole Saidi is the Content Editor of the Web Devil. Reach her at nicole.saidi@asu.edu.
