For the most part, computer nerds are a solid bunch. They make it possible for the rest of us to do our homework and illegally download music; plus, they tend to be pretty nice people.
But a new strain of nerds is quickly gaining power in the PC ranks - the Hell's Angels of computer geeks, if you will - ones who pick cyber bar fights for no reason and use their spare time sitting in dark basements, inventing viruses and worms that can kick the average computer's OS.
A new virus named "W32/Swen@MM" is on the loose. The degenerate that invented W32/Swen@MM programmed it to appear as a Microsoft update, but instead the virus disables anti-virus programs and multiplies on the computers it reaches. W32/Swen@MM's debut on the hacker scene comes just a month after SOBIG caused nationwide computer havoc.
We here at The State Press won't stand for that, so our editorial board has invented a new virus in which a little gremlin crawls out of disk drives and bludgeons this malicious species of hackers trying to mess up our computers. Unfortunately, the completion of our virus is months, even centuries, away.
In the meantime, we are offering some suggestions for these mischievous computer-hacking doofuses so they can make better use of their time instead of mess with their mainframes (and our PCs) and eat Hot Pockets.
First, stop sending instant messages to your gender-questionable crush online and go meet a real person. A few years back, someone really bright invented places called "bars." These wonderful, magical venues are a great place to meet actual people. And don't worry about being shy, because most of them also happen to serve a beverage known as beer, which makes it considerably easier to talk to attractive strangers. Once you're confident enough, it might be cool to incorporate your hacker knowledge in a pickup line. "Hey babe, let me hack into your system with my worm. It's SOBIG.F."
Another thing to try would be exercise, because just typing on a keyboard and clicking a mouse isn't exactly a full body workout (not that we journalists know what that is). Computer games about football and basketball are based on real sports, believe it or not, so go and play them. But if you do, be careful. There are no reset and turbo buttons on a real field.
And finally, if you absolutely have to stay at your computer, at least put the thing to good use. Try playing games like solitaire and "word whomp": Even geniuses will find that these simple mind puzzles can occupy the brain for hours.
In our estimation, the creators of W32/Swen@MM, SOBIG.F and other hard-drive nightmares are not only immoral individuals plagued by boredom, they are cowards. They calculatedly destroy the private property of countless innocent people and then encode their names and hide their faces.
