Recently Blender magazine released their list of the "50 Worst Songs Ever," and with it replaced Bill's "Apprentice" victory as the No. 1 water cooler conversation in the nation. Blender is, of course, the music branch of Dennis Publications, which is responsible for such bastions of adroit commentary as Maxim. So it's probably best not to get too bent out of shape over the content of this list, but regardless, people are getting angry.
First of all, the list suffers from the same inherent logic flaws that any such a list will encounter. Declaring anything the "Worst (blank) Ever" is leaving the door wide open, especially with the amount of music being produced around the globe.
I'm pretty sure that some high school kids in Topeka, Kan., probably under an ueber-kewl name like "Insane God Death" or "The Pepperidge Farm Incident" are producing worse songs than "Shiny Happy People." Also, no song in the list is from earlier than 1965 (interestingly enough, that's the Simon and Garfunkel classic "The Sounds of Silence," No. 42), which is a rather limited scope.
So even with the idea that the list is really the "50 Worst Hit Pop Songs Since 1965," it still fails to achieve resonance. Sure, "Shiny Happy People" (No. 35 on the list) is bad for an R.E.M. song, but how can even the worst R.E.M. song be worse than No. 37, "Rico Suave" by Gerardo?
R.E.M. isn't the only classic band skewered on the list, as the Doors, the Beatles and the Beach Boys also made the list. "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da," (No. 48) may not be "Hey Jude," but it's still a good song and gives great memories of the heartwarming tale of Corky from "Life Goes On." More to the point, though, it certainly isn't worse than anything by Right Said Fred or Celine Dion. Even the No. 1 song, Starship's "We Built This City," is considered (by some) to be a classic and anthologized on more '80s compilations than Simple Mind's "Don't You Forget About Me."
Again, the list needs to be renamed "50 Songs That the Person Who Made This List Doesn't Like." That explains some of the startling exclusions on the list. Sure, there are a lot of genuine stinkers ("Achy Breaky Heart") but otherwise it seems to be a kind of haphazard, random list. "Will2K" (No. 32) really isn't any worse than any other Will Smith song, unless I somehow missed the subtle nuances in "Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It."
And how can you have a worst song list without including such simply terrible bands as Bush, who have given the world such contemplative lyrics as "There's no sex in your violence"?
It's easy to go after cheesy '80s songs, but "Sunglasses at Night" (No. 23) is no worse than "Land Down Under" or "Safety Dance" or anything else you might hear on Mix 96.9. The list also has no apparent sense of irony, as intentionally goofy songs like "Barbie Girl" (No. 33) and "I'm Too Sexy" (No. 49) are included. So then, where is "Tubthumping"? Where is the "Macarena"? Where is "Mambo No. 5"?
The list definitely gets some things right. Limp Bizkit's "Rollin'," a truly putrid track, gets in pretty high at No. 4. One could probably make an entire "worst" list simply of Limp Bizkit songs, but that would require listening to 50 Limp Bizkit songs, and that's not a fate I'd wish on any living thing.
There are few examples of wretchedly overwrought sappiness as obvious as "Superman" by Five For Fighting (No. 24), and if there's anything in the world goofier than Billy Joel rapping about political events ("We Didn't Start the Fire," No. 41), then I don't want to hear it.
The greatest misstep the list makes in its ranking of "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors as the No. 21 worst song ever. A misunderstood classic for a bygone era, I will never forget trying to memorize all the lyrics while I was in fourth grade. "I ain't got no future or family tree but I know what a prince and lover ought to be" -- truly a profound representation of the class struggles in 1990s America.
Albert Ching is the incoming music director at The Blaze 1260 AM. Listen online at www.theblaze1260.com, or contact him at albertxii@hotmail.com
