The Arizona License Plate Commission is under fire after denying an anti-abortion group's request for specialized license plates for its members. The unique "Choose life" plates were to be similar to those of firefighters or the special plates some veterans like to sport.
Citing the right to block politically volatile messages, the commission's denial of this lunacy is understandable but naive. Conflict is still alive as our Constitutional liberties are well represented in the realm of the bumper sticker.
After the disputed election of 2000 and the real possibility of a bitter November, it's time we face the facts. The political divisions in this country are getting deeper.
We can choose our news according to our persuasions. CNN (or the Clinton News Network) for the emotional liberals. Sean Hannity and the other barking, interruptive dogs of Fox News represent the rule-crazy conservatives. Even the National Rifle Association has announced it will start its own news service. Civil war across the broadcast spectrum is inevitable, and our freeways will become battlefields.
Stay away from moderation. Become a road warrior. Anger your fellow motorists. Bravely identify yourself to your enemies and allies. Be a part of war.
Classic bumper sticker confrontations that pit Ford and Chevrolet owners are old, and cartoon character Calvin urinating on ex-wives and Osama bin Laden only amuses people. If you are conservative, try to emulate Ted Nugent. If you're a liberal, shoot for the abrasiveness of Sen. Ted Kennedy or the polarizing effect of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Now let's get your stickers.
The best spot for right-wing material is the gun show. Look for the stickers that say "Protected by Smith and Wesson" or the "Is there life after death? Mess with this truck and find out." By broadcasting your desire to use lethal force somewhere -- anywhere -- with no remorse, self-righteous liberals will think twice about boring you with tales from Columbine High School.
Extra points can be obtained for stickers that say "Redneck Thanksgiving: Roadkill and a six-pack," or anything that describes your affinity for the death penalty. My favorite is "Justice: (with picture of electric chair) Regular or extra crispy?"
Stickers that demonstrate a strong dislike for the United Nations such as "To the world: You're either with us or against us," and others that blast the liberal media like "Annoy the media: Re-elect Bush," are perfect for agitating Democrats.
If you're on the left, you'd better hit an anti-war rally, the Internet or a bong shop that reeks of patchouli for your material.
Getting Republican blood to simmer is easy with anything that questions Florida or the electoral-college system or holds Bush responsible for a stagnant economy. A shiny sticker that says "Democracy was getting old anyway," or "You voted for Bush and all I got was this lousy recession," does the trick. Attack conservative morals and judgment with audacity. A "Vote Republican: It's easier than thinking," or "G.W. Bush: How dumb is too dumb?" will demonstrate your admirable resolve.
Avoid the "It will be a wonderful day when the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber" sticker like the plague. Snarling Rush Limbaugh-fueled drivers of pick-up trucks view pacifism as a birth defect. They show no mercy.
Those who are pessimistic about politics in general can also help turn roads into a violent Mad Max-like wasteland. Demonstrate immature nihilism by affixing stickers that promote pornography, tattoo and body piercing parlors or the fact that excrement happens. "Lap dancing is not a crime" and "Don't blame me, I voted for Buchanan" stickers look great under a banner idolizing Larry Flynt. Don't be shy. Primer-colored Volkswagens need some adornment.
Stop stalling. Let's get in the road war.
Christian Palmer is a journalism senior. Reach him at christian.palmer@asu.edu.
