True fans have no use for balloon-like noise-makers
There are many things people do in this world that confuse me.
I would say putting ketchup on eggs is near the top of the list. How about those freaks who put sweaters on their dogs? They should be institutionalized. Then there are the poor souls who line dance. For the betterment of society, they need to be put out of their misery.
While my fellow human beings continue to baffle me with their evolving stupidity, they rarely do anything that truly upsets me. That's just the kind of guy I am. I'm not a big fan of getting upset. But every so often, someone does something that is so asinine that I'm ready to grab the torches and storm the castle.
I guess morons who don't use turn signals upset me a little. The pretentious swine who drives a Hummer gets under my skin a tad. But there is one thing that really chaps my hide: thunder sticks.
They're everywhere. Especially now with the NBA and NHL in the middle of their respective playoff contests, and with baseball season underway, thunder sticks are filling arenas and ballparks everywhere. And it's the worst thing that's happened to sporting events since "the wave" and "the tomahawk chop."
For those of you out there unfamiliar with thunder sticks, they're the balloon-like, inflatable drumsticks that are handed out at various sporting events, usually for significant events like the playoffs. But every so often, the little noisemakers creep into the regular season -- that's when I really get pissed off. The object is to smack the sticks together repeatedly to hide the fact that you really know very little about sports.
Thunder stick proponents will argue that kids love them -- as if we need to provide children the means to be obnoxious. I was nursing the mother of all hangovers during a Sunday matinee at Bank One ballpark last summer. Unfortunately, my seat was next to the son of Satan disguised as a 4-year-old hopped up on M&M's. In between his full time jobs of crying and kicking seats, the kid managed to sneak in a little thunder stick time for fun. I couldn't possibly slap the kid because his parents were sitting right next to me. I'm not that kind of guy. So, I slapped the mom and dad instead.
Thunder sticks take away from what you're supposed to do at sporting events: drink beer, argue with the officiating and boo. Anyone who goes to games and fails to do at least two of the preceding is not a true sports fan. Anyone who needs to substitute hand clapping or finger throwing for thunder sticks should stay home.
Do we really think that thunder sticks actually serve as a distraction to professional athletes? We've all seen the fools who smack their sticks together behind the basketball hoop while an NBA player attempts a free throw. Is the player at all rattled? I doubt it. I have never once seen a game where, after his team loses, a player is asked about what happened and says, "It had to have been those darn thunder sticks. Curse them!"
Thank goodness that there are safe havens from thunder stick mania. Wrigley Field, Yankee Stadium and Notre Dame Stadium are just a few places where I think the obnoxious noisemakers are actually outlawed. If not, they're certainly discouraged. I was fortunate that my dad had season tickets to the South Stands at Denver's Mile High Stadium when I was growing up. I couldn't imagine what would have happened to me if I smacked around thunder sticks. I probably would have been sacrificed to the Raiders fans.
The thunder stick craze is just one of the things that confirms that we are all lame. In a day and age where individualism seems to give way to conformism, it doesn't surprise me that thunder sticks are everywhere. People don't like to think too hard and they don't like to stand out too much. This is why everyone watches reality TV and every college student wears a green John Deere hat with white mesh or a shirt that reads, "Italian Girls Rock!" Each person thinks he or she is being different, but the sad truth is, everyone looks the same.
Sports fans, do yourselves a favor and put the thunder sticks down. No self-respecting spectator should ever be caught slapping a couple of inflatable sticks together. And that goes for anyone who does "the wave" at a baseball game or anyone who does the tomahawk chop.
So leave the thunder sticks at home, ladies and gentlemen. And come to the ballpark with something a little more respectable, like a foam finger.
Reach the reporter at vic.vela@asu.edu.
