President Bush has left the building ... well, Arizona anyway. The president arrived at Davis-Monthan Air Force Base in Tucson on Monday to discuss border security and then headed to Phoenix to boost Sen. Jon Kyl's "street cred."
While border security is the main issue, it's uncertain as to exactly where the president falls on the issue. He clearly wants to stop illegal border crossers, but his method remains hazy. Whether it is a guest-worker program or more border security, the issue has yet to be decided. While some conservative Republicans are calling for more secure borders, corporate America has no such wish, leaving the president in a bit of a pickle.
Certainly, the issue is complex: Americans do not want to pay extra taxes to support illegal immigrants, yet we are eager to pay cheaper prices at stores from the fruit of their labor.
Clouding the matter even more is the threat of terrorists crossing our borders. While we all want a secure border to stop terrorists from entering our country, does anybody really think al-Qaida wants to carry a WMD across the brutal southern Arizona desert? Not likely. The question still stands, however: What is the president to do concerning illegal immigration?
I say, more Minutemen -- actually, a new breed of Minutemen. The current breed of Minutemen believe they are defending the nation from the devastatingly brutal and heinous acts of maniacal immigrants coming into our country. Such outrageous acts range from cleaning, cooking and mowing the lawn.
Now, this is not a shot at hardworking immigrants; it's quite the opposite, actually. Their work ethic in our country is an example to all the overweight, suburban children who have never walked more than a mile in their life. Yet, the fact still remains: Illegal immigrants should not be allowed into the country.
The new Minutemen will be dispatched all over the Valley. They will finally bring back the once-respected tradition of the Massachusetts Minutemen.
At a moment's notice, they will be deployed to residences and businesses from one end of the state to the other. With a musket and a cell phone in hand, their reach will be faster and more vital than any minutemen company before. In fact, even a minute will be too long. Thus, they will be renamed Nanosecondmen, a whopping 60 billion times faster than their forefathers. Every time an illegal immigrant is paid to do a service, our Nanosecondmen will apprehend the lazy American citizens who hire them.
They will keep CEOs in our sights. And when they hire cheap labor to avoid paying FICA taxes, benefits and normal wages, the CEOs will be beaten senseless by the biggest, dumbest Democrat we can find, just to simulate a beating by a Republican.
Instead of immigrants being chased across the desert by volunteer bigots, business owners in plaid pants will dive into sand bunkers as they scramble across the golf course to avoid musket fire. Housewives will race across Scottsdale Road on foot, taking only a moment to stop at Starbucks and order a venti double shot espresso as the Nanosecondmen's muskets are reloaded.
It will be beautiful.
Bring your chainsaws to the new Nanosecondmen recruiting station, and be prepared to get messy. The legend of the Massachusetts Minutemen shall rise again; it will echo from the tops of the McMansions from Scottsdale to Paradise Valley.
While Bush decides on the best method to deal with illegal immigrants, without dropping even further in his meager approval rating, he should really think about the Nanosecondmen idea. It involves guns and no exit strategy. He loves that stuff.
Noah Lewkowitz is a graduate student in architecture. You can reach him while he loads his musket at noah.lewkowitz@asu.edu.
