In case you haven't figured this out, Stale Mess is just a bunch of made up stories. It's as fake as your "Kate Spade" purse that's "hecho en Mexico." As fake as the breasts on the Playboy playmates, our USG president wants to ban. It's possibly even faker. It's content is not to be taken seriously. Stale Mess is fake, fake, fake. Any resemblance to actual people (unless, of course, those actual people are public figures, in which case their quotes are still fake) is purely accidental. Enjoy. And remember: it's fake.
ASU President Michael Crow was taken into custody last night on charges of public urination, destruction of property and public intoxication.
He is being held without bail because public officials should be "above the kind of nonsense they try to eliminate," said Christophee Cochran, a communications intern for the city police department..
"Ever since he became president, Crow has been attempting to reduce unacceptable student behaviors like parties, underage drinking and the entire Greek system," Cochran said at a news conference. "It's strangely ironic that this behavior shows he's just like ASU students."
Crow was caught by Tempe Mayor Hugh Hallman, who was strolling down Mill Avenue and whistling tunes from Disney movies, he said, when he bumped right into a clearly drunk Crow.
At first, Hallman thought the ASU leader was window-shopping at Bath & Body Works until he saw a puddle forming at Crow's feet.
"I tapped him on the shoulder, and said, 'Hey, President Crow, don't do that here. There's a bathroom right around the corner,'" Hallman said.
Crow then reportedly spit in Hallman's face and uttered vulgarities offensive to three other nearby Tempe residents, including a 7-year-old girl.
"I had to ask my mommy what the word c--------- means," the girl said at the scene.
Public urination is Tempe's third most common crime, with 755 incidents reported year-to-date, more than twice the 350 logged last year, Cochran added.
It usually occurs when college students and street musicians are too drunk to walk around the corner to a bathroom as Hallman suggested Crow do.
Intoxication is so intense, potted plants, store windows, pets and even children begin to look like toilet seats, Cochran said.
"After a while you just don't care where you pee," he said. "When you gotta go, you gotta go."
ASU officials scrambled to defend Crow, citing the incident as a "big, great mistake" and a product of the great stress Crow has endured while transforming ASU into the New American University.
ASU spokeswoman Terri Shafer said the fact Crow might have had a little too much to drink last night should not detract from fulfilling the University's mission.
"I think, if anything, this fits into the New American University initiative of social embeddedness," Shafer added while typing Crow's daily blog. "What better way to get involved in your local community is there than urinating on one of its most popular stores?"
But Bath & Body Works manager Jenna Simpson didn't see Crow's action as showing appreciation for her store's trademark creams and lotions.
"He might as well have peed into the Very Merry Cranberry body cream," Simpson added while applying the moisturizer to her legs.
But Crow reportedly dashed efforts to repair his reputation when he posted a rambling, drunken blog from his laptop.
"I'm going to nip these f------ rumors in the bud before those Stale Mess c-------- get there first," the blog read before ASU administration pulled it from the Web.
ASU students had mixed reactions to the news of their president's drunken debauchery.
Indonesian and sustainability science junior Josephine Renoir thought it was most offensive that he uttered explicatives in front of a little girl.
"He has a potty mouth," Renoir said. "He should never be allowed to have children."
But philosophy senior Rick DeLancey believed it was great that the ASU president was caught peeing at Bath & Body Works.
"That store is such a rip-off, man," DeLancey said while smoking a joint. "Their scented candles suck."
