Tragedy struck the rap community earlier this week. That is, in addition to the cancellation of my subscription to XXL, one of the greatest hip-hop magazines out there.
As reported by The Associated Press, rapper Busta Rhymes' bodyguard and bling handler was shot and killed during the filming of his latest music video.
While the specific assailant is still unknown, the event occurred after an outburst at a Brooklyn studio by a member of 50 Cent's G-Unit crew.
Some may say that this marks another instance of rap's violent nature spiraling out of control. I, however, say only these two words: job opportunity.
Perhaps it slipped by you the first time, but Busta doesn't just need a new bodyguard.
He needs a new bling handler. That, folks, is where I come in.
While I may not look it, I can guarantee that I am the best bling handler that Busta, nay, any rapper could add to his, or her, crew.
To prove this, I submit to you my application cover letter for the position of Busta Rhymes' bling handler, to be filled immediately:
Dear Mr. Rhymes,
I have recently been notified that due to new events in your staffing, you are currently seeking a business associate to hold your jewelry while you are occupied, otherwise known as a bling handler.
Although I have no previous experience in the music industry, or with anything referred to as bling, I am certain that I am the best and most qualified candidate for the position.
As you can see from my enclosed curriculum vitae, I have extensive knowledge in the field of handling. While none of it has been physical and rarely has had cash value, I am an expert in handling my time, responsibilities and problems with ease.
This is evidenced in my involvement with several clubs at Arizona State University, my membership in the prestigious Barrett Honors College and the stringent work ethic I have acquired as a communication major.
I have a long tenure when it comes to music, garnered from spending many years in the marching band and singing in church choirs.
I also spent a year working at Blockbuster Video, so I am quite adept at dually fielding verbal threats against my life and selling my soul to a merciless conglomerate. Both of these qualities appear integral to working within the hip-hop community.
I am trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. I will do everything in my power to make sure that your "ice," as you call it, stays protected while under my watch.
Most importantly, I am eager to strategize a campaign that markets Miller High Life as the new rapper-endorsed Cristal of beers.
It is with sincere anticipation that I look forward to joining your staff, or "posse" as I hear it quaintly referred to on MTV2.
Yours in business partnership,
Heather Hull.
With all these qualifications in mind, it's only a matter of time before he passes that Courvoisier right on over to me.
Heather Hull is a communication senior who's glad to know DMX has found work. Make it clap at heather.hull@asu.edu.
