According to a chain message I received via e-mail earlier this week, Sunday is a day for men and women to celebrate the beautiful freedoms we so dearly enjoy in America.
I don't normally adhere to chain messages because they usually have too much bias or are completely unfounded, but this one has purpose; real purpose.
The event, In The Name of Patriotism Day, will be a day for all true Americans to unite under a massive display of national unification, organization and symbolism.
Together, we can make a difference. Together, we can show the world our true colors. Together, we can be Americans.
So Sunday at 1 p.m., "All American women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists."
I know. Crazy, right?
Most ASU female students don't even live in houses.
And how can the men help? You know, to prop up our brave Patriettes.
No worries.
"All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that they think it's OK to see nude women other than their wives and to show support for all American women."
Here, here. For this, I can miss a little football.
Except, this plan is laced with apparent problems. As a poor male renter, I don't really have a lawn - or a lawn chair, for that matter.
I propose ASU contributes to the bold display of patriotism, and does so right on campus, as a collective student body. Let's storm Sun Devil Stadium and let the world know that terrorists do not intimidate us.
With the Cardinals out of the stadium on Sundays, the field will be free for us to start a new national pastime.
Men will sit in the bleachers while the women cover the field, like the biggest cheerleading team ever assembled. Except that our women will have natural pom-poms, and will be cheering for "team America."
We can even take donations to raise money for anti-terrorist organizations. We'll pass out big buckets, filled with Kodak disposable cameras. It will be every man's duty to finish his roll of film so the pictures can later be sold on eBay.
What's more American than a little exploitation?
And since all terrorists are Muslims, and the Quran also does not approve of alcohol, "A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment."
Oh, say, can you see, a Budweiser in your future? Because I can.
Let's offend, let's abuse, let's be free. Let's be American.
As a chain message requires, it is your duty to pass this on. See you Sunday.
Ty Thompson is a journalism senior who probably just offended half the campus. Take him seriously at: tyler.w.thompson@asu.edu.
