Oh, the indecency! The obscenity! The debauchery!
While this lead also sets up yet another column about Paris Hilton's face, Michael Vick's Saturday nights or an average moment in OJ Simpson's life, it is, in reality, a cry to battle:
Ladies and gentlemen, modesty is under attack. And worse, it's under attack by 13-year-old girls.
If you missed this story as it made its way around the news cycle recently, here's a recap: At Illinois' Mascoutah Middle School, a 13-year-old female student went on a vicious hugging rampage through her group of friends. She claimed to be saying "goodbye" to two of them for the weekend and probably letting them know how much their friendship meant to her and some other crap like that … or so she wanted the administration to believe.
But kudos to the school officials for seeing right through that big ole' load of BS — they hit the little girl with a pair of detentions — one for each disgusting hug. They adhered to the district policy that "displays of affection should not occur on the school campus at any time. It is in poor taste, reflects poor judgment, and brings discredit to the school and to the persons involved."
By the way, in case you were wondering … yes, you read that correctly, a 13-year-old girl landed in detention because she discredited herself and hugged her friends farewell on school grounds. And what's more, the district does indeed have a policy that sounds like it was made in 1650's Massachusetts.
Well, you know what I say to that?
Thank goodness, it couldn't have come too soon.
Alas, this hug-centric culture of ours has gotten out of control and it's about time someone is taking a stand.
So, for goodness' sake little 13-year-old girls, keep it in your pants.
I'm not sure how it works in your Mascoutah-ian culture, but there are lines that can't be crossed, and violating somebody's personal space is one of those. It's just wrong. And, no, you can't give me that, "I was showing them I care" excuse.
Reports from the field indicate that the detention-inducing hugs were merely "side hugs," which we all know are not even hugs at all. If anything, they are the bastard child of hugs that we only give people we don't even like but feel otherwise obligated to show some form of courtesy toward … and nothing more.
If you really cared about your friends, you would have the decency to remain fully distant and detached so as to not sully their reputations and potentially ruin their lives by bogging them down by sin.
Now that I think about it, I honestly believe the punishment wasn't harsh enough. Modesty is a core value in life and if she only had a detention, how will she ever learn that it must not be violated? The options were plentiful for how to better discipline this young lady: expulsion, public shaming, or of course, the old standby of a firing squad.
But, being the kind person I am, I believe everyone deserves a second chance. So, here's what the girl in question must learn to do so her second chance doesn't go to waste:
Shun all emotions at all costs. Think about it this way … if robots are indeed the wave of the future, then shouldn't we strive to be like them — cold and unemotional? It's not that hard to do — I don't even pet my own dogs. Yes, they're adorable and I love them dearly, but letting them know it would be in such bad taste.
…Oh, and also, if you hug people, the terrorists win.
End of argument.
So, thank you to the Mascoutah Middle School administration for leading this battle on the front lines and putting a young sinner in her place. I'm right there behind you. Just not too close behind you.
Ben is truly baffled on how he could be single. Really. Whose ideal date doesn't include sitting in separate rooms to avoid making eye contact? Send your emotionless non-personal thoughts on this to: bberkley@asu.edu.
