Picture a nightclub that only allows sports celebrities on the VIP list who have recently established credibility in their respective sports and make everyone else who has done something shameful wait in line outside for hours.
That club is the PSC, and we're in charge of the guest list.
Those who have earned their way in will be allowed to enter with no problems, but those who have failed worse than Barry Bonds's defense attorneys will have to wait outside in the cold like the rest of the normal people.
For example, if Los Angeles Lakers head coach Phil Jackson tried to get in, he would be told, "Keep it moving."
Because of his insensitive remarks using the movie "Brokeback Mountain," Jackson would be told to go hang out with Tim Hardaway so the pair could get group counseling for their distasteful comments.
While that coach wouldn't be allowed in the club, Kansas football coach Mark Mangino would be allowed on sight.
Not only is his team undefeated, but his physical appearance demands respect.
Have you ever seen this guy? Probably not, unless you are a Big XII football junkie.
He looks like he was a part of Tony Soprano's crew, and we would have to let him in with the best interest of preventing someone from getting whacked.
Not only do we have compassion for Mangino but also for West Virginia's talented quarterback, Pat White.
White claimed that he was spit on during last week's game against Louisville.
No question, White deserves to get in the club because he was spit on like he was a cast member of "I Love New York."
Another questionable character who would be let in the club is crawling-back-to-the-Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez.
True, his idea to opt out during the World Series was in poor taste, like Lance Armstrong dating one of the skinny Olsen twins half his age.
But Rodriguez is going to be celebrating his new contract, and we are going to need someone to buy all those expensive bottles of champagne.
Also celebrating would likely be Dolphins running back Ricky Williams, and we would certainly let him in the club, just like NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has let him back in the league.
Only this time we have to make sure he stays in the non-smoking section.
One of the guests of honor would be Barry Bonds' trainer Greg Anderson.
Not only did he keep quiet by staying in jail and refusing to snitch on Bonds, Anderson also refused to cave in, giving him more street credibility than 50 Cent.
Anderson would probably be given one of the best tables in the club.
In fact, there's a table open, since one of our regulars has been downgraded.
Colts quarterback Peyton Manning has been relegated to a table closer to the bathroom because he has lost two games in a row.
Sounds harsh, but this is Club PSC, and we pay close attention to every detail like Larry David in "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
And not to worry, Adam "Pac-Man" Jones won't be making it rain in our club anytime soon.
Not now chief, I'm in the zone at: edward.price@asu.edu.
