Hey, Writers Guild, what's up? Not too much here. I'm just a little down about this whole situation.
Put down those picket signs and wipe those grumpy looks off your faces. Sit down. We need to have a discussion.
So, you know how I'm a huge "Scrubs" fan and everything? Yeah, well, "Scrubs" hasn't been on television lately, and it's the last season. J.D. just had a baby with Kim, and Elliot canceled her wedding plans with Keith. Am I really never going to see if Elliot and J.D. end up together? Will Hooch ever kill someone? And what will become of the world's tallest doctor? You're just going to up and leave on me like that?
OK, so I know you're only asking to be compensated a tiny amount for all of your hard work and that those big bad TV networks and movie studios aren't giving it to you. Honestly though, I hold you responsible for "Celebrity Apprentice." I mean really, who told Gene Simmons that he was still a celebrity? In fact, your salaries contribute to the high production cost of scripted television. That means you're responsible for all reality TV. You've created a monster, and her name is Tyra — and she's fierce.
What did you think I was supposed to do all winter break, huh? Get a job? Please, I don't do those things. I watched reruns of "Saturday Night Live," longing for the good old days before Conan looked like an overgrown leprechaun hobo. He clearly needs you. That beard is a cry for help.
Who am I kidding? I need you most of all. I don't blame you for reality TV abominations. I just miss you. In honor of the strike and as a representation of my solidarity, I plan to grow my own beard. Yes, I realize I'm female. Lucky for you, I'm Scottish.
I know I'm being a harsh on you, but it's just tough love. You deserve to be paid for what you write when it is sold on DVD, played on television or broadcast on the Internet. You have been fighting for fair pay since early November, and hopefully TV networks and movie studios will start recognizing your worth. With the thousands of ads networks sell, the least they can do is compensate part of the backbone of their corporations.
You're the reason the public takes an interest in television. Now that the networks are fresh out of new episodes, rest assured that negotiations will be under way sooner rather than later. There's no way the public will stand for 24 hours of back-to-back episodes of the infuriating, no-strategy game show "Deal or No Deal."
As late-night talk shows attempt to go on without you, it can't help but be noticed that many of the jokes are at the strike's expense. "We don't have writers, so we know we suck. Isn't that funny?" It's getting a little old. Leno is almost having as much fun with this as he did with the gay sex scandal involving Republican Senator Larry Craig. Please don't let him have that satisfaction.
Though I may be bitter, I understand your reason for the strike. It's necessary, but the public misses you dearly. Just hurry up with negotiations, and write that epic Hooch murder so my life can be complete. Until negotiations happen, I have nothing better to do than to pester you with open letters via newspaper. Come back to us. Come on.
Christina Caldwell is a journalism junior. Reach her at: christina.caldwell@asu.edu.
