There are those who wish to live forever and those who think they are invincible and will live forever. And then there are those who actually do live forever.
Sadie Kaplan is one of them. Kaplan, a small Jewish woman living in New York, is 104 years old, making her part of a rare group of people called "centenarians," people who live to be 100 or more years old. MSNBC recently did a piece on her, delving into research as to why this Popeye's Chicken-loving old lady has managed to outlive the rest of her generation.
As researchers scramble to unlock the secret of Kaplan's longevity — then compress it into pill form and sell it — I cannot help but wonder why anyone would actually want to live to be over 100 years old.
For one, by the time a person reaches that age they look like a giant crumpled-up paper bag. You would have to be very careful to clean between all of your wrinkles, which might be difficult with cataracts and arthritis, which I imagine must be a huge hassle.
Plus, if the number of centenarians increases, the ancient population is only going to continue sapping Social Security for health care and driving 50 mph through crowded open-air markets.
Picture, if you will, trying to manage your parents at 104 years old: juicy diapers the size of sleeping bags, your mom repeatedly mistaking the TV remote for a telephone and having to throw all their food in the blender because they're unable to chew.
Don't get me wrong; I have plenty of respect and affection for the elderly. Elderly abuse is a huge issue in our nation. In fact, it's why I think it's a bad idea for people to start living longer than they already do. One too many diapers, and your patience is bound to deteriorate.
I propose that we find a way to keep the elderly busy and active so they can retain control of their mental and physical faculties for as long as possible.
I think it would be great if nursing homes teamed up with day cares as some sort of volunteer program. Elderly folks could help care for the children and, since old people are a lot like babies, they would always have the necessary resources, like soft food.
Nursing homes on a whole are a bit scary, though. They're like death's waiting room, which is off-putting to most people and results in elderly neglect. The truth is that, for the price per day of a nursing home, you could live out your retirement on a cruise ship. I personally plan to send my parents off to sea one day, and if I'm going to live to be 100, I'd better be doing it on a boat in the Bahamas.
Think about it — food and lodging are all included and there is medical care available on the ship, not to mention entertainment and exercise equipment. Nursing homes have been dealing with STD epidemics lately because the elderly get so bored and lonely, so why not make it a real party by putting them on a cruise? When you finally die, they can just chuck you overboard and save your family a whole ton of funeral expenses — it's foolproof.
If my parents decide against a floating funeral, I have already told them I will be donating their bodies to the Body Worlds exhibit. That way I can take the grandkids to see them when the exhibit is in town.
So there are feasible solutions to the elderly issue, but what if you can't afford to ship your parents and grandparents away? They might keep sneaking off to the drugstore for some more longevity pills until you are 80 years old and sharing a room with your 110-year-old mother.
Let's hope that modern medicine fails in this regard.
Melissa can help you book a cruise if you'd like. Just e-mail her at: melissa.mapes@asu.edu.
