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There has never been a time when people tried to be ugly.

Why not? Why don’t people strive to look their worst with no-makeup faces and unmanicured nails? Surely, all sorts of males are attracted to the woman with a unibrow, overbite and bunchy panty hose. Heads turn as she walks down the street.

Her presence is positively overpowering — in the elevator, the office building, the bus. Men are mesmerized by her. They are distracted by her captivating cashew scent. Because people love Planters cashews.

Well, there you have it. This Super Bowl ad resonates with us because, simply put, people don’t like ugly people, even if they are wearing “Perfume de Legume.”

This is unfair, because everybody is rather ugly and in great need of beauty enhancements.

It’s our responsibility to be beautiful — we must spare others from our ugliness. And we must take the most extreme measures.

Being healthy is entirely unnecessary for beauty, so just skip the advice about lots of water, sufficient exercise and plenty of rest — they really do call it “beauty sleep” for nothing.

I have to confess: Sometimes I fail miserably at being beautiful.

Take, for example, when I go camping or hiking or rock climbing. It’s pure, 100 percent raw Jackie: no makeup, manicure, no artificial mosquito-attracting “Perfume de Legume.” How disgusting!

You see, that’s the real reason a bear has never mauled me. No living thing with eyes would dare come near.

Fortunately, there are people working on behalf of the ugly. These people provide ugly-eliminating services like zapping away fat, perking up sagging behindular regions, replacing noses, plumping “Le Grand Teton” to fit double-D over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders and pulling eyebrows to emulate a permanent state of surprise.

Just remember, getting cosmetic surgery is a very serious decision. But still, here’s a list of reasons cosmetic surgery may be right for you:

– You’re ugly. Hurry, go get some surgery right away. The office closes at 5.

– No, seriously. These are really good reasons. Like, the teenage years were not so nice and looking into the mirror is like looking at a photograph of the lunar landscape.

– Or, you dove into a much-too-shallow swimming pool, where the water promptly began looking like the Nile under the first Egyptian plague.

– You were in a car accident where metal, glass, concrete, rubber steering wheel became quite intimate with your facial features.

– The new diet 3,000XXL worked for you, but now you look like a flying squirrel with parachute-flaps dangling from your arms.

– Your lips, for some strange reason, have not been stung by a bee and therefore are not inflamed into a permanent pucker. A good injection of collagen should fix you right up. I think the syringe might even be bee-shaped.

– You and your husband wear the same cup size.

– When you hold your head at just the right angle, some forbidden folds multiply beneath your chin.

– “Laughter is the best medicine.” Says who? Too many years of laughing and smiling have eroded grand canyons around your mouth and eyes.

And so, we see that everybody should get cosmetic surgery. Our unenhanced selves are actually quite repulsive and we should — no, we must — visit a surgeon right away. Several times, if possible.

Except for me. I’d like to be able to smile and say my “R’s” when I’m 50. Thanks for the heads-up, Joan Rivers.

Jacqueline can be reached by e-mail at

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